*walks into a comedy night club* Owner: You're doing standup tonight right?* Noob Joker (you): *Yes I am!* Owner: Get onto the stage Me: *walks up stage* Owner: this is the standup comedian noobpro Me: HEY GUYS HOW ABOUT SOME DONALD TRUMP Crowd: *RUNS*
John Wilkes Booth, to his fiancee: I have an important role to play tonight at Ford's Theater." Fiancee:Break a leg
Why was the rapper always calm during performances?
Because he had a RAP-TITUDE for chillin'
What did the rapper say to the microphone?
"You better DROP THE BEAT, or I'll drop YOU”
Why don't rappers ever get lost?
Because they always find their way with their FLOW
Why did the rapper bring a parachute to the concert?
In case he had to drop some BOMBS
Why did the rapper bring a shovel to the concert?
Because he was about to BURY the COMPETITION
Why did the rapper bring a map to the concert? (Part 2) To FIND his FANS
Why did the rapper bring a map to the concert? (Part 1) To NAVIGATE his way through the CROWD
Why was the rapper afraid of ghosts?
Because they kept BOOING him off STAGE
I was in Russia at a stand up comedy performance about someone making fun of Putin but the jokes were awful. The execution was nice though
Why did the rapper wear sunglasses to the interview?
Because his FUTURE was too BRIGHT
Why did the rapper bring a calculator to the concert?
To COUNT his BARS
Did u here about the emo kid who audition for the school play?
He made the cut
Why did the rapper bring a clock to the stage?
To keep track of his RHYME TIME
Why did the rapper bring a dictionary to the concert?
So he could DEFINE his own beats
Why did the rapper bring a parachute to the concert?
In case his lyrics made the crowd JUMP
Why did the rapper bring a ladder to the studio?
Because he heard the MIC DROP was too high
Why did the rapper become an electrician?
Because he wanted to SHOCK the audience with his RHYMES
I went to visit my friend who is a stand up comedian and i asked him "why do you have so much art supplies, clothing fabrics and building supplies in your basement?"
He responded with "I don't know what it is people think I need it all for, but almost every time i perform people tell me I need new material."
