SOS Jokes

My friend had a drink called Quick Start, so I said, "That's a quick start to the morning!"

Two men were on a hike through a forest when one of the hikers got bit on his ass by a snake.

The other hiker ran to the village 2 miles away and explained to a doctor there what had happened. The doctor told him to cut a cross with a knife where he had been bitten and suck out the venom, so he ran back to the first hiker who asked him, "Have you got the cure?"

Hiker number two just said, "Nah mate, you're dead."

Yo mama's so fat, her blood type is Coca-Cola!

So, there were kids in the bus, and half of them were white, and the other half was black.

All the kids wanted to sit at the back, so the bus driver said to all the kids, "Stop fighting. From now on, everyone is now green." So, the bus driver said to all the kids, "Dark green go to the front, and light green at the back."

A French, a German, and an Italian make a race to see who resists the most in a room full of flies. The French starts, and after a quarter of an hour, comes out.

Then goes the German, who comes out after an hour. Finally, the Italian enters and comes out after five hours.

The French: "But how did you do it?"

The Italian: "I killed one."

The German: "So what?"

The Italian: "And then they were all busy for the funeral!"

Lol

A man looks confused, with the text 'When it's 10pm and your friend says "so where are we going after this?"' above and 'to bed???' below him.

Okay, when I leave for ONE DAY something happens like people being sexist and men saying that women are weak (Which is Not True), AND rape. I hate hearing and really saying the word. Just stop with all this nonsense. I say rape and sexist and woman assault jokes should not be allowed. They are too cruel and mean to women. Most men are weaker than women. So don't anyone make anymore things or "jokes" about rape. Women are strong and don't be mean to them.

Sincerely, watersharky (How did I not misspell????)

The IRS came to this man's house one day and told him to come in the next morning to talk about all the money that's been coming in and out of his bank account. So the man thought, "Maybe I need to get a lawyer." So he and his lawyer get to the IRS's office and sit down, and the agent said, "There has been a large amount of money flowing in and out of your account, and we wanted to know if you knew anything about it." The man says, "Yes, I do. I'm a gambler." The agent says, "You gamble with that much money?" The man says, "Yes, I'll give you an example. Alright, I bet you $5,000 that I can bite my left eye." Agent says, "Alright, deal." The man takes out his fake eye and bites it. Then the agent says, "That's not fair." The man says, "I'll let you get your money back, or even more. I bet you $7,500 I can bite my right eye." The agent, thinking, "I didn't see him come in with a guide dog or a stick," so the agent says, "Deal." The man takes out his false teeth and bites his right eye. The agent then says, "That's not fair." The man replies, "Alright, I have another one. You're down $12,500. I'll bet you $15,000, if you put that waste basket on the other side of the room, I can stand by your desk and piss across the room into the waste basket and not get a drop anywhere." The agent says, "That's impossible, you've got a deal." The man starts peeing and pees all over his desk, and the agent says, "I got you!" He's laughing and happy that he finally beat him, but then the lawyer has his hand on his face, and the agent asked, "What's wrong with you?" and the lawyer replies, "The man bet me $100,000 he could piss on your desk, and you'd just love it."

Have any of you guys heard the classic airplane jokes? Here's a good example...

A farmer, a doctor, and a terrorist are on a plane. An engine fails, and they are going to crash, so the pilot asks everyone to throw out some items. The farmer threw out his apple harvest, the doctor threw out medical supplies, and the terrorist, (not needing a bomb apparently) threw out his briefcase of bombs. They still crashed, and they started walking to the nearest town. They passed a boy who was running. "Why are you running?"

"My dad got hit by a shiny red object and now he's bleeding!"

They three of them decide it's best to keep quiet, and continue. They then passed a crying girl, who said that her brother had been killed by a scalpel from heaven. They said nothing and continued. Finally, they see a boy laughing so much he is in tears. They ask him, "What's so funny?"

"Grandma farted and the house blew up!"

A man is dating three women and has to choose which one he'll marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.

The first woman does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up, and buys several new outfits to look sexy for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second woman goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third woman invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money... Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

Dear Hearing People,

We, deaf people, ain’t dead. We can use our hands to talk, eat & fist your face to give you some 💡 awareness that we can understand you 💯 meanwhile we laugh at you 🤡 We can even dance via vibration through music.

Do you know the song w lyric like this 👇 *white b.... accent: Ohhh.. MY God BECKY.. L👀k at her butt. IT is SO BIG. *BIG BEAT DROP* I...LIKE...BIG...BUTT...I cannot LIE 👻 I promise we ain’t ghosting around - Brittany Rose.

Your mama is so ugly even the trolls threw up.

Yo mama so stupid, she told the police a kid raped her.

I'm bored and I'm sure someone scrolling through here is too, so wanna chat? Pls.

Jack and Jill went up a hill so Jill could lick Jack's candystick, but Jill got a surprise when she saw her boyfriend Rik. He got so angry Jack has no candystick no more. Jill went home with a black eye, and Rik got arrested for cutting Jack's candystick.