SOS jokes

Our teacher said for two kids to stare at a wall for no reason, so I said, "Hey wall, that ass flat like a pancake from McDonald's."

On my 21st Birthday, my mom told me, "I got a nice birthday present for you. As the son and only child, you're going to get something good, something you've been looking forward to," is what my mom said.

Me, my mom, and my only friend celebrated my Birthday, then we all went to sleep. I woke up the next day. I asked, "Hey, where's my gift you said you got me?" My mom said, "Since your father left us, you have no father figure in your life, so this is your new stepfather." The only thing is, it was my only friend.

One weekend some distant family members that I hadn't met before came over. My cousins (who I also hadn't met before) were fighting, so I decided to separate them and place them in opposite corners of the room (thinking it would help).

My mom took me to an empty room with tears in her eyes and told me they both ended up dying.

Well, SO-RRY, but I didn't know they were conjoined twins.

Slavery has existed in the western world for 3 centuries, but in the Arab regions it has existed before and is still going on, so why don’t people talk about it?

Because it’s only bad when white people do it.

Yo forehead so big, NASA needed it for the new planet, stupid!

Why are school shooting jokes so funny?

Answer: The bullets hit your funny bone!

Yo momma's so stupid, she took a shower for 20 minutes after she heard a DIRTY JOKE!

So I was sitting at a bar, right? That fucking waitress came again, and guess what? She brought the wrong drinks again. So I send her away to get the correct drinks. And she came back again, with the wrong drinks!! Obviously, she was retarded. Anyways that's the story about how I met your mother.

"Never gonna give, never gonna give (Give you up) We've known each other for so long Your heart's been aching, but You're too shy to say it Inside, we both know what's been going on We know the game and we're gonna play it I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling Gotta make you understand Never gonna give you up Never gonna let you down Never gonna run around and desert you Never gonna make you cry Never gonna say goodbye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you." mucho_mango: just woke up from my dream what was that.

As a son, I like sports, and I watch sports with my mom. So one day, we were looking at football. My mom asked me who makes the most money. I said the quarterback.

My mom told me I'm going to get a quarterback as my new boyfriend, and it'll be your new stepfather. A week later, my mom went out. I came home, and I see my mom making out with a high school kid. I said, "What's going on?" My mom said, "Look, my new boyfriend and new stepfather is the high school quarterback." My mom said, "See, mission accomplished." I said, "Yeah, job well done."

Jaylie 😠: I don't care, what he said was so out of line!

Harvey 😁: It's funny!

Jaylie😠 : He said "Stupid, silly bitch face I raised! I should have known!" That's not funny, Harv!

Harvey 🙁: Come on Jay. Give Chris a chance?

Jaylie 🙄: Sorry but I'm a stupid, silly bitch face he raised. He should have known!

Harvey😟: That's not true!

Jaylie 😣: He even made fun of Kalierien. She is so sensitive!

Harvey 😡: SHUSH!!!!

Kalierien😡: Hi guys, how's your day?

Harvey😁: Good!

Jaylie 🤬: Mine was like living in hell!

Kalierien: 🤬SAME!!!!!

What starts with "s" and ends with "erm"? SuperM.

This means both "matrix" and "master" so take out the "u" and then you just get "master". When you think of sperm, you think of porn. If you're a master at something, you're also a star at it. So you get porn star.

Yo mama so fat it took her 3 seconds to cross the Great Wall of China.

Yo mama so fat, when she plays Undertale, Omega Flowey's mouth isn't big enough to eat her!

Papyrus: You are so lazy, Sans!

Sans: Call me what you want. I got THICK SKIN!

Papyrus: Another bad joke and I'm finished with him!!

Frisk: HAHAHA

Papyrus: We are monsters. The awfulest kind!

Sans: To mess with us takes a lot of SPINE!!!

Me and my friends were having a party the other day when some bitch came bitching about the noise. Thankfully, she was hot and had a nice ass, so it was enjoyable raping her.

The next day when I woke up, I found her body only half eaten. Her lower body was still intact, so I went for seconds to fuck off the hangover. Then I had breakfast. Her ass tasted good with some ketchup.

One day, Little Johnny came home with his girlfriend and told his dad, "We're gonna go to my room and do some homework." His dad said okay. Five minutes later, Little Johnny's dad heard noises coming from his room, so he went to go see what it was, and all he heard was, "Baby, baby, oh, baby, baby, oh." Little Johnny's dad started banging on the door and said, "Little Johnny, what are you doing in there?" Then Little Johnny said, "Dad, we're just having sex." Then Little Johnny's dad said, "Oh, I thought you were listening to some Justin Bieber up in here."

After arriving home from helping the priest, a young altar boy approaches his parents, "Mommy, Daddy, my poop is white!"

The mother rushes the boy to the hospital, while the father rushes to church in a rage and proceeds to beat the living hell out of the priest. Afterwards, the father heads to the hospital and meets his wife in the waiting room; she's surprisingly calm.

"How can you be so relaxed after what that bastard has been doing to our son?" he exclaims.

The wife looks up at him, "What are you talking about? It's just a liver infection!"

So Kobe Bryant walked into a bar, just kidding, he's dead and his fame went spiraling out of control.

Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, but no one showed. They start to get real thirsty, so they decide to seek out water. The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the guy in the wheelchair; and, eventually they find an oasis. The amputee leader goes into the water first, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he has a NEW LEG! He gets excited and encourages his friends to do the same.

The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but he gets refused because the guy in the chair wants to be Mr. Independent and insists the blind man goes ahead first. So he goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he can SEE! Now the guy in the wheelchair's getting really excited, starts pushing with all his might, goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and wheels out the other side. Lo and behold, NEW TIRES!!!