SOS jokes

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air, and men with spears are there.

One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So, what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren’t that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."

The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."

The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."

And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."

The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them. The guy from France said, “For France!” and drank the poison and died. The man from Britain said, “Long live the Queen!” and shot himself and died. And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, “MAKE A CANOE OUT OF THIS YOU FUCKERS!”

This boy was in school one day when he became desperate to go to the bathroom. So he asked the teacher, “May I use the bathroom?”

The teacher replied, “No, not unless you say your alphabet.”

So the boy said, “a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z.”

When he finished, the teacher asked him, “Where’s the p?”

The boy replied, “Half way down my leg...”

Yo mama so FAT... I tried to picture her in my head... AND SHE BROKE MY GOD DAMN NECK!

My friend told me to name a country in Africa.

So I said, "Hungry."

Yo mama so fat, she orbits the sun!

Person: So you know that person's name you say when you make a hoop, well he's dead.

Friend: Yeah, John Wilkes Booth.

Person: How dare you say that he killed Abraham Lincoln?

Friend: Terrible guy but he never missed a shot!

Yo mama so big, she thought Christopher Rhoades was a tampon.

Why do orphans play GTA?

To be wanted.

Why do orphanages give out free phones?

So you can press the home button.

What do you do when you're sad? Kick an orphan!

What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?

Some dude called me a tool.

So later I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend.

Guess he was right :/

So I got my son a trampoline for Christmas this year, and he was so ungrateful, like he just sat there crying in his wheelchair. What has this world come to?

Me and my girlfriend broke up, so I took her wheelchair, and she came crawling back.

Yo mama so fat, she broke Usain Bolt's 100 meter speed record by taking ONE STEP!

Your mom's so fat, the photo from last Christmas is still printing!

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast any time," so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

— Steven Wright

I was in the bank one day, and this old lady asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.

I went to the bank to apply for a Personal Loan.

Then they found out I wanted to be a rapper, so they didn't want to Post M"loan."

God, people are so sensitive these days. You can't even say, "Paint the wall black," you have to say, "Jamal, could you paint the wall?"

Yo mama so old that her breastmilk was powdered. You breastfeed like this 🌬💨.

My dad was a roof cleaner and I'm dedicating this to him, so dad, if you're up there!