SOS jokes

I was working at a check-in station for a flight to Riyadh when suddenly I was approached by Benzema, Kante, and Neymar!

At first I was very surprised and curious, so I asked them why they decided to play in the Saudi Pro League and not MLS where GOAT Messi plays. They all smiled and happily replied: "Don't you know, the legendary bench warmer PRISTIANO PENALDO plays there!"

Now I fully understood what they meant! They know that Pristiano is already finished, so winning trophies will be easy for them. I smiled and happily let them through.

What is Green and Red and goes round and round?

A frog in a blender.

(this next one is pretty bad, and I don't mean it, so don't get offended)

What's the difference between a Mexican and a park bench?

One can support an average family.

Why do ducks have feathers? So they can cover their butt quacks.

Why are gay guys so rude?

Because they’re fucking assholes.

I saw a black man riding a brand new bike, so I went home to check my garage. It’s all good because I still saw mine still chained to the floor begging for food.

Why are orphans so bad at baseball?

Because they don't know what a home base is.

Why did my dad cross the road?

To get to the nearest building so he wouldn't die in the crippling smoke of the most terrifying and only terrorist attack on American soil.

When you find out the stripper you're banging is a hooker, but you're saving money, so it's okay.

Why is a bee's hair so smooth and sticky?

Because they use honeycombs.

TJ's hairline is so far back, if you travel back in time, you still won't find it.

"In chess, a queen can move in more directions than the king."

I mean, yeah, the chessboard looks like a kitchen floor, so-

Friend: Hi, orphan.

Orphan: Tell me a yo momma joke.

Friend: ummm

Orphan: Exactly, U can't.

Friend: Yo momma so disappointed she left!

My grief counselor died. He was so good, I didn't even care.

why was the bad baseball player so good at bowling?

He kept making strikes.

So the man asks me, "Jesus, how do you want your steak?"

So I said, "Well done, my good faithful servant, well done."

You are so fat that the waiter said to you every time: "Sorry for your weight" instead of "Sorry for the wait."

Suicidal thoughts aren’t nice, but nor is life. So why not get them both done and over with?

You're so ugly, you made Hello Kitty say, "Goodbye."

Your hairline is so big, Niagara Falls said, "Oh, looks like we've got some competition!"

My grandma unplugged the internet cable, so I unplugged her life support.