Friend 1: I HATE YOU!
Friend 2: *cries* b-but i-i didn't s-say that!!
Friend 3: *writes on paper with pencil cuz is so bored*
Me: *points at pencil lead* NOW NOW NOW THIS HAS *LEAD* TO SOME SERIOUS FRIENDSHIP LOSS! Plz shut up.
All my friends: *groan at horrible pun*
Why do men have penises?
They gotta shut women up somehow.
What were Stephen Hawking's last words?
Error, error, error.
System shutting down.
There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?" The mommy cow replies, "Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born." The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?" The mother replies, "Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born." The third baby comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Daisy?" The momma cow again replieds, "Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The final baby walks over and says, "Huh Ruh Buh Duh!" The momma cow says, "Shut up, Cinderblock!"
So I was on Google, and on my computer it had Windows. When Stephen Hawking died, it shut down, the shutdown sound played, and wouldn't turn on again.
My phone was at 10%, and my friend said it better not shut down like Stephen Hawking.
For Stephen Hawking, why is being drunk and having his power shut out the same?
He blacks out.
Guys, I'm sorry about these bad puns. I should've kept my big Meowth shut.
I saw Stephen Hawking using an ATM. It is nice to see he had found someone before he shut down.
What noise does Stephen Hawking make when he dies? Windows shutting down theme tune.
Stephen Hawking's death was purely accidental. He clicked “shut-down” instead of “sleep”.
A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up... you're next!"
- Mommy, I want a bicycle!
- Shut up, Sam! You've already got your wheelchair!
- Mommy, what will I be when I'm grown up?
- Shut up, Sam, you've got cancer!
What's the difference between a boring teacher and a boring book?
You can shut the book up.
Kid: But, Mom, I don't want to see Grandma.
Mom: Shut up and keep digging.
This one time I said to a person that they are dry, then I was wet (ba dum tiss).
My bully said I have to shut up. I said, "Shut down" (ba dum tiss).
There were once three brothers, Shit, Shut up, and Manners. One day, Shit got hit by a car. Shut up went to find help at the local police station while Manners tried to help Shit.
When Shut up got to the police station he says, "My brother has just been hit by a car."
The policeman replied with, "OK then, first I need to know your name."
"Shut up."
"No, I need to know your name."
"Shut up."
"Excuse me, but where are your manners?"
"Round the corner picking up shit."
Damn girl, are you a smoke detector? Because you're super annoying and won't shut up.
What did one fish say to the other?
Keep your mouth shut and you'll never get caught.
