Yo mama so short, she wakes up every day in a brick house singing “Everything is Awesome”.
I was talking to this absolutely gorgeous woman, and I asked her, “What do you do?” And she said, “I’m a brain surgeon.” And I don’t know if this makes me sexist or not, but I was really impressed.
Most women can’t pull off sarcasm.
Why is Sally dead? Cause she has no arms.
Why did Susie fall off the swing?
Because she didn't have any arms.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not Susie.
My girlfriend called me a pedophile but what does she know, She's 7
He died because of a fuck up by the Hospital. Apparently, the doctor said to the nurse, "You can discharge Mr. Hawking now," so she went to his room and pulled the plug out of his computer.
What did Stephen Hawking's wife say to him when he came home drunk?
Nothing... she couldn't tell.
My teacher gave us an assignment, and one of the questions was "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
I answered, "Happy."
The teacher said I didn't understand the test. I said to her that she didn't understand life.
Stephen Hawking died because his wife misunderstood him when he said, "My Windows Needs Updating." She had the double glazing removed, and he fell out and died.
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, who name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds: "They're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up... you're next!"
Time for a story: There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off. How many are left? 499.
What are the 3 steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator? Open fridge, put in elephant, close fridge.
What are the 4 steps to putting a giraffe in a fridge? Open fridge, take out elephant, put in giraffe, close fridge.
The lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend except one, who is it? Giraffe, he's stuck in the fridge.
Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across safely, how? The alligators where at the birthday party.
Sally dies anyway. How? She got hit in the head by a flying brick.
My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday. I asked her why. She said, "Because you're a pedophile." I replied, "Pedophile! That's a big word for an eight year old."
I got a handjob from a blind woman the other day. She said, "It's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand." I said, "No love, you're just pulling my leg."
Why can’t sally hang her self ? She does not have arms
Why does Sally have 100 sisters? She lives in an orphanage.
Why did Sally run into a tree?
She is blind.
Why can’t sally get a hair cut? She has cancer
Why can't Sally hit herself? Because she has no arms.
Why did lil Susie fall off the swing? She didn’t have any arms.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Not lil Susie.
