Said Jokes

My friend texted me and asked me, "Hey. What's your favorite emoji?"

I said, "😬😬😬😬😬😬😬"

She said, "Why?"

I said, "'Cause it's your twin."

They said time heals all wounds, well, I broke your watch.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One of them turned to the other and said, "Does this taste funny to you?"

Someone tracked down a cripple and said, "You can hide, but you can't run!"

A woman ran into a police station screaming, "Help, I have been graped!" The policeman said, "Do you mean raped?" The woman said, "No, there was a bunch of them!"

So, we are in class right, and the teacher has a metal leg. Every year she gets the question of, "Do metal detectors beep every time you walk by them?" She heard this question to the point where she just says yes without hesitation.

Once she had said yes, two kids in the back started laughing.

Teacher: Ok alright, take it a little bit more seriously would you?

Kid: Oh, we're not laughing at that.

Kid_2: We're laughing at cancer.

Someone asked me, "How would you like your steak cooked?"

I said, "On a stove!"

I once had a trash can as a girlfriend.

I was ready to break up with her, but all she had to say was, "Please don't dump me!" Then I said, "Sorry, I'm ready to take out the trash."

So we were working with a new client at work, and my boss farts. He said, "A little gas never killed anyone."

My girlfriend said she wanted to be pampered. I told her I wasn't into diaper fetishes.

Donald Trump was golfing with Barack Obama. The Donald said, "Listen Barack, I'm getting older and I'm having trouble sexually satisfying my young wife. I know that you black guys are supposed to be magic in bed. Can you give me a few pointers?" Barack gave Donald a few ideas and that night Donald made love to his wife. He did everything he was told. He started out slowly entering his wife gently then finished hard. Melania came quickly screaming. "Oh Donald, You fuck just like Barack Obama."

A pair of souls were floating up to heaven when they passed a pair of eagles.

"Ah, eagles," said the souls. The eagles were too polite to say anything.

A man opened a snail farm.

He said that it is a slow-moving business.

One day, a snail got robbed by two turtles. Once the cops arrived and asked what had happened, the snail said, "I don't know, it all happened too fast!"

A woman noticed her husband standing on a bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. "Ha! That's not going to help!" she said. "Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

The deaf man said to the waiter:

"Mmmm."

The waiter said, "No English."

Then the deaf man signed, "F U."

Yo momma so stupid that someone said, "You're not that wealthy," and she went to a doctor.

A man goes to a restaurant and asks for some chili.

The waiter said, "Sorry sir, this is an Asian restaurant."

So he stretches his eyes and says, "Oh herro, can I get some chiri?"

I took an Uber home the other day, and the bastard was swerving all over the road and driving on the shoulder... I said, "Who the f*ck taught you to drive?" To this, he replied, "Stevie Wonder."

I was talking to this absolutely gorgeous woman, and I asked her, “What do you do?” And she said, “I’m a brain surgeon.” And I don’t know if this makes me sexist or not, but I was really impressed.

Most women can’t pull off sarcasm.