I have a huge thought, if s@tan punishes people who are bad, doesn't that make him good.
Me: Hi Jacob Jacob: Hi Me: your parents went to jail for littering when you were born Jacob: GOO GOO GAH GAH
One day, a preist and a nun went to play golf together. In the first shot, the preist missed his shot and said “Fuck I missed it.” The nun replied “Hey you should not curse.” In the second shot, the preist missed his shot again and said “Fuck I missed again.” The nun replied “Hey stop swearing, or else god will punish you.” In the next shot, the preist missed once again. He shouted “Fuck this, this game is bullshit.” The nun replied “Enough! God is definitely going to punish you anytime.” Suddenly, a thunderbolt stroke the nun and killed her, the clouds separated from the sky and there was a voice in the sky saying “Oh fuck I missed.”
i made a deal with satan. i would get a free pass to hell, if i serve as a demon lord. so, see you guys at the end of times!
I got detention for giving an emo kid a glow stick... I tried to lighten his spirit
Why can't orphans be criminals?
Because there never wanted.
Principal: “Why did you have to skip class? Because of that detention!” Kid: “Whatever” Principal: Why did you have to swear” Because of that one demerit!” Kid; “Doesn't matter!” Principal: “Why did you yell at a teacher and throw a chair at them? Because of that you're suspended!” Kid: “Oh well!” Principle: “Why did you have to push a kid down the stairs and kill them? Because of that you're expelled!” Kid: “Im try not to kill myself!”
3 Europeans head to an island. They are captured by the island people. They are going to kill them and they plead. They grant them a chance to live. The island people tell them to grab a fruit from the tribe's garden and bring it back, then to follow the task at hand. The first guy brings back a peach. The island leader says, "Stick it up your ass. If you laugh, you die." The first guy shoves it up his ass and laughs, so they kill him. The second guy brings a grape, he does the same and laughs, making them kill him. The first two are in heaven together. "Peaches are fuzzy so I laughed. How the hell did you die? You had a grape!" says the first guy. The second guy replied,"It didn't tickle at all. I laughted at the sight the third guy was bringing over a pinapple."
God You’re having a good day? Me yes beats burning in hell
What punishment are teachers unable to do to orphan?
Call their parents
The police police gave you a fine for not fixing your ugly hairline.
A politician dies So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.
"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately, you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that, however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!"
"Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell??" says the politician. "Them's the rules," Says St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the guy disappears...
And awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he's in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds... Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can't be, right?
"Open your eyes!" says a voice. "C'mon, wakey, we've only got 24 hours!". Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he's in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite... And there's a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. "Who are you??" The politician asks. "Well, I'm Satan!" says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. "Welcome to Hell!" "Wait, this is Hell? But... Where are all the pain and suffering?" he asks. Satan throws him a wink. "Oh, we've been a bit misrepresented over the years, it's a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is, of course, free, as is the room service, there are extra towels next to the hot tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It's a beautiful day, and if you'd care to look outside..." Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course. "It's one of 5 pro-level courses on-site, and there's another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbor!" says Satan, answering his unasked question. So they head down in the lift and walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cheerily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course is made up of every one of his old friends, people he's admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he's admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2-foot-tall goblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying on important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him. Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked, which descends into a food fight when someone accidentally throws a bread roll at the next table (where Gandhi is having a game of truth-or-dare with Marylin Monroe). As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging breadsticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear... And they return to their penthouse suite and spend the rest of the night making love as they did on their honeymoon. After 6 hours of intense passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows and falls into a deep and happy sleep...
And is woken up by St Peter. "So, that was Hell. Wasn't what you were expecting, I bet?" "No sir!" says the man. "So then," says St Peter "you can make your choice. It's Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on". "Well... I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I'd prefer Hell," says the politician. "Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!" Says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again.
The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulfurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor wire in the other. "What's this??" He cries. "Where's the hotel?? Where's my wife??? Where's the minibar, the golf courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks, and the sunshine???"
"Ah", says Satan. "You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted..."
The devils number is 346 because you will be in jail.
how is a child molester and harambe the same, they both get shot for touching little kids
I got detention one day, I don’t know why I only slapped the emo kid on the wrist
Myq sister told only onions make you u cry so i alway hit her back when she hit me but i hit her with a shoe only to catch her cry.
I got in trouble at school today bc I played the knife game with a pair of scissors but I couldn't flip them off bc I was missing that finger.
I got in trouble today bc I threw a lamp at the emo kid and said lighten up
What did the parents rearrange the furniture to punish a child guess he was a stupid blind motherfucker🖕that didn't even know how to use a cane to figure out where they put the furniture
