Person jokes
How can a person from Alabama tell that someone is an illegal immigrant?
If they are dating someone that isn't related to them.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. -- I'm not really a mourning person.
Did you fall from heaven? Or did you fall from the cliff up there?
Person: Where do I commit suicide?
Dog: Roof.
Person: Good idea.
Why did the depressed person cross the road?
To get run over.
What do a crippled person's legs and the Twin Towers have in common? They both went down and never came back up.
If a person shoots a person about to commit suicide, is it making it less painful, or is it murder?
Me: If a skinny person goes skinny dipping, then what do fat people do?
My friend: Chunky dunks.
Person A: C'mon person B, just be happy, smile.
Person B: Over my dead body.
Person B: *gets the noose*
I was having issues in my personal and professional life. I hated everyone. I was on the brink of a mental breakdown and depression. I decided to see a therapist about it. The therapist suggested that I should write letters to the people I hate and then burn them. I must admit I feel much better...
But now I don't know what to do with the letters.
Murder is the same as suicide, except the other person is doing it for you.
What's a depressed person's least favorite type of cereal?
LIFE.
Are you a grave, 'cause I want you on me?
30 people died in a car wreck before they got to Heaven. God asked for one wish because they died in a tragic way. The first lady, she was obsessed with her looks, so she asked to be beautiful and God granted her wish. The next person didn't know what to wish for, so they wished for the same thing. The guy in the very back was laughing, having a grand old time. Then God got to the person before the last. He said the same, he wished to be beautiful. When God got to the last person, he said, "I want them all to be ugly again."
Person 1: You are the dumbest person in the class.
Person 2: Well, you're the second. Maybe, but at least I'm not the dumbest.
Person 2: I know how to fix that!
... Next day person commits suicide...
I wasn’t staring, I was just trying to figure out if that was your hairline or the Great Wall of China.
Me and a person downtown.
Person: Hey, crazy Saturday night.
Me: I guess so.
Person: Why do people do crazy stuff like this?
Me: I don't know. I used to, but don't anymore.
Person: Why'd you stop?
Me: Unfortunately, I lived every time I'd try something.
Why are Republicans supporting giving felons the right to vote?
Because their own personal jeebus is a felon!
What can a dwarf do standing up that a tall person can't do standing up?
Suck dick.
What's a depressed person's favorite drink?
A depresso espresso.
JK.
It's cyanide.