My dad said wheres pickles the family cat i said im sorry to say hes in the sky, oh i see he passed away no i strapped him to 20 fireworks
Never drink tea in school... L give people tea if they've passed out....tea can be nice but only havd it once a day... Its not what you think..... Its not tea its CPR
I feel bad for cumming on my turtle
Why the fuck would I do that. I should have never masturbated in front of my turtle. So basically I was watching porn in my 55 inch tv and my turtle was next to me in the couch. The porno was really old. It was a DVD from 2002. It was probably the hottest porn I have ever watch and honestly I'm probably going to watch porn on dvd instead from the internet. The only reason I had my turtle with me was because whenever I cum, I feel really depressed and lonely, so I thought that if my turtle watched with my I wouldn't feel lonely. Well I started stroking my willie, I used lotion, i took all my clothes off, but my dumbass forgot the tissues. I realized that I forgot to grab tissues but it was too late. I was going to cum. I didn't want to cum everywhere so I had to think fast. It was when I saw my turtle when I realized what I had to do. I came like a motherfucker. My turtle was painted with my cum in his tiny little face and all around his shell. He didn't say a word about it, he didn't move, he just stood there looking at me like I killed a bunch of children. I would never forgot the look my turtle gave me. His disappointing face broke my heart. I put on my clothes, I took my turtle to the bathroom and cleaned him off. What happened, happened. But my turtle would never forgot what happened. My turtle, Tommy, would never forgive me. Today, I passed by him and I know he still remembers what i did to him 3 hours ago. My only wish, is that one day, Tommy the turtle will forgive me for my horrible sins.
Yo mama's so fat when she walked by the TV when I was watching a show I waited and when she finally passed by Netflix said suggestions: Hulu, and Pecock
my girlfriend asked me to hand her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a gluestick. she still isn't talking to me
Your mama is such a hoe! It took her 4 attempts to pass her driving test. She couldn't get used to the front seat.
Your arms are open They stretch towards me Reaching, grabbing, pulling me Surrounding me Drowning me in my helplessness Time standing still, inside here Looking through windows, time passing by Let me go, will ya
Stephen hawking can pass any test but there’s one test cant pass it is the pacer test
Mommy mommy! Are we Janitor’s? Shut up and pass me the mop.
Mommy mommy! Are we Bank robbers? Shut up and pass me the note.
What is Meat Loaf's new name now that he has passed? Ground beef
Na only.this guy I know say him trouser fat pass his bank account 😹😹😹
That's if you even have an account 😹😹💔😹💔💔😹😹
Cristiano Clapnaldo woke up FEELING DANGEROUS against Real Sociedad 🥶🥶
- 0 tapins 😍😍 - 0 assists 🤩🤩 - 3/3 dives 🤯🤯 - 0 key passes 🥵🥵 - 2 big chances missed 🤡🤡 - 1/4 dribbles 💀💀 - 2 Offsides 😤😤 - 27 claps 👏👏
Better than Elanga? 🥶🥶
A mom and her son are taking a walk when they pass a homeless man fapping, the boy asks "what is that man doing?". The mom says "Making pizza" trying to turn him away.
The son sees a dog fucking another dog and he asks the same thing. She says "Making extra cheese". When they pass a window and see a couple doing it, he asks the same thing. She says "Ordering the pizza".
Later that day the mother says to the father "I think I want some to order some pizza with extra cheese tonight, dont know why that sounds good".
So that night the husband who was watching tv yelled up the stairs "wanna order some pizza !?"
The mother replied "DONT WORRY IM MAKING SOME"
the sons voice followed " IM ADDING EXTRA CHEESE"
A pair of souls were floating up to heaven when they passed a pair of eagles. Ah, eagles, said the souls. The eagles were too polite to say anything.
Whats the difference between Black and White people?
Blacks don't need N Word Passes.
How can you tell when a comic passes gas? Something smells funny.
Thanks for the birthday wishes. It's been an odd one this year as some of you know, my father suddenly passed away on my birthday last year and anyone who knew the old man knew he had a sledgehammer wit!
Good on ya dad ya definitely got the last laugh!
My wife told me to pass her some chapstick but then I realized she hasn’t talkin to me in a month ten remembering I gave her super glue.........ehh I’m done with her big ass mouth
