Did you hear that Daft Punk came out with a cook book?
It's called "One More Thyme"
whats the difference between an in-law and an out-law..... an out-law is wanted.
Chuck Norris doesn't zoom out everything moves backwards
A man is driving down the road and runs over a rabbit, he slams on his brakes, gets out and walks up to the flattened bunny. The bunny is obviously expired. A passing car slams on it’s brakes and screeches to a halt. The driver of that car runs up to the bunny pulls out an aerosol can and sprays the bunny with the aerosol spray. The Bunny jumps up runs a few feet, then stops, turns around and waves it’s paw at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around and waves at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around and waves at the two men. He continues to do this until he’s out of sight. The first driver looks at the man with the aerosol can and says “Wow that is amazing, what is in that can” the man looks at the can and reads the label “Hair restorer, with a permanent wave”.
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
why did the pelican get kicked out of the restaurant? because he had a big bill
Me and my wife were out at dinner me being 48 and her being 19, people where screaming at us and calling me a creep. It realy ruined our 10th anniversary
How do you get 500 dead baby’s into a car? A blender
How do you get 500 dead baby’s out of a car? A straw
A heavily pregnant woman is in an accident and gives birth to twins while comatose. Upon awakening some days later, the doctors tell her that her brother Tom filled out the birth certificates while she was out.
"Oh no, Tom's an idiot, what did he name my daughter?" she asked the nurse.
"Denise."
"That's not a bad name. And what did he name the boy?"
"Tom Junior."
9 out of 10 doctors recommend for children to drink water instead of soda. -- That 1 doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.
yesterday i saw a "womans rights" book in the library so i put it in the fiction section and got kicked out
my mom said to take out the trash bags so i did and the next day my mom asked "where are your sisters?" i said "in line to get crushed"
How do you get an emo out of a tree?
Just cut the rope.
I want to thank all the sidewalks out there for keeping me off the street
I rode to the bottle shop on my bike yesterday. I bought a whole bottle of wine and put it in the basket on the front of my bike. Then I thought, if I fell off my bike on the way back home, it would out and shatter. So I drank all the wine and threw away the bottle. It was a good idea, because I fell off my bike about four times on the way back.
I was pretty tight friends with my butt plug. But then we had a falling-out.
Why can't you tell anyone about space? Because its too out of this world!
3 men were captured by a tribe and tortured. The leader of the tribe tells them that they would live, only if they could achieve one thing. They had to go out and find 10 pieces of the same fruit each. The first person returned with apples, the leader said that he had to put all 10 of them up into his ass without making a sound, or he would be killed. 1....2 he screamed. The next person came back with grapes, 1,2,3, he counted up to 8, but began to burst out laughing, he was killed. In heaven, the first man asked him why he laughed if he was doing so well, "well i saw the third guy coming back with fucking pineapples"
A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly. ‘Paint...my....house.’
JFK: Are you a bullet because I can't get you out of my head.
