My girlfriend's a porn star.
She'd kill me if she found out.
Can I branch out to some tree puns? Willow you allow me it’s only fur. No? Oakome on!
My daughter said I could never make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!
A boy and his friend were walking down the street.
Boy 1: "Bro, you still got my Nikes?"
Boy 2: "Yeah, sorry. I got them dirty."
Boy 1: "Please clean them, we have school tomorrow."
Boy 2 got back to his house and decided to clean his friend's shoes. After he finished drying them, he got stuck in his painfully small dryer. Then he remembered his brother needed something from the dryer. So he tried to get out, when his brother came in.
He came in twice.
(like if u understand)
What did the white kid pull out of his bookbag?
A 9mm.
Did you hear that Daft Punk came out with a cook book?
It's called "One More Thyme."
Chuck Norris doesn't zoom out; everything moves backwards.
What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?
An outlaw is wanted.
A man is driving down the road and runs over a rabbit. He slams on his brakes, gets out, and walks up to the flattened bunny. The bunny is obviously expired.
A passing car slams on its brakes and screeches to a halt. The driver of that car runs up to the bunny, pulls out an aerosol can, and sprays the bunny with the aerosol spray. The bunny jumps up, runs a few feet, then stops, turns around, and waves its paw at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. He continues to do this until he’s out of sight.
The first driver looks at the man with the aerosol can and says, “Wow, that is amazing! What is in that can?” The man looks at the can and reads the label, “Hair restorer, with a permanent wave.”
Why did the pelican get kicked out of the restaurant? Because he had a big bill.
I've been trying to find jokes about gouging my eyes out, but I couldn't see any.
What do lesbians cook for dinner?
They don't, they just eat out.
Me and my wife were out at dinner. Me being 48 and her being 19, people were screaming at us and calling me a creep. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.
I dated a furry once.
The relationship didn't work out, she was a cheetah.
Relationships are like fat people.
Most of them don’t work out.
How do you get 500 dead babies into a car?
A blender.
How do you get 500 dead babies out of a car?
A straw.
9 out of 10 doctors recommend for children to drink water instead of soda. That 1 doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.
How do you get an emo out of a tree?
Just cut the rope.
My mom said to take out the trash bags, so I did. And the next day, my mom asked, "Where are your sisters?" I said, "In line to get crushed."
I want to thank all the sidewalks out there for keeping me off the street.
