Nut jokes

Do you like CDs?

There's this really cool one called "C Deez Nuts."

You heard that Michael Jackson autopsy reports showed he died of food poisoning?

It’s because he ate some 8 year old nuts.

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

What's the difference between a peanut and a priest?

With a peanut, you have to break the shell open for the nut to come out.

Deez nutz!

What’s a squirrel’s favorite OTT? Nut-Flix.

What did one squirrel say to the other squirrel?

"Stop staring at my nuts."

My name is Myria, my right nut.

A pecan is motivated because pe-can do anything.

Pistachio can’t, but pe-can.

You pecan do it!

I tried to come up with a funny pun about squirrels, but all my ideas were nuts.

Cashew, see, I'm nuts about you!?

I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.

I want an almond-flavored biscuit.

I have a pun, but I will nut tell you!

The peanut gained confidence and finally came out of its shell.

The nut is so solid, it’s peanut brittle.

Can I ask you a question? Nut now!

The cashew called the peanut boring.

The peanut felt very unsalted.