Nut jokes
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"
I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
What's the difference between a peanut and a priest?
With a peanut, you have to break the shell open for the nut to come out.
Deez nutz!
What’s a squirrel’s favorite OTT? Nut-Flix.
What did one squirrel say to the other squirrel?
"Stop staring at my nuts."
My name is Myria, my right nut.
A pecan is motivated because pe-can do anything.
Pistachio can’t, but pe-can.
You pecan do it!
I tried to come up with a funny pun about squirrels, but all my ideas were nuts.
Cashew, see, I'm nuts about you!?
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
I want an almond-flavored biscuit.
I have a pun, but I will nut tell you!
The peanut gained confidence and finally came out of its shell.
The nut is so solid, it’s peanut brittle.
Can I ask you a question? Nut now!
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.