Worst Jokes Ever

What's similar between a blind kid and an orphan?

They both can't see their parents.

I'm not saying I'm ugly...

But when I'm watching porn, the hot, sexy women in my area always pop up and ask me if I'm rich.

An eye for an eye will make the whole world blind...

...but it will allow ugly people to get laid.

When someone calls me ugly, I get sad and hug them.

I know life can be difficult for those with weak vision.

An ugly, arrogant woman walked into a store with her 2 kids, yelling at them.

The store clerk pleasantly said, "Good morning ma'am and welcome. Nice children, are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling and said, "Hell no they are not, one is 9 and the other is 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just bloody stupid?"

The clerk replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid ma'am, I just can't believe someone would screw you twice."

I made a video game about a depressed, self-harming goth.

It's mostly unskippable cutscenes though... :/

Your Mama so fat, when she fell on the sidewalk, nobody laughed but the sidewalk cracked up.

I got a job at a library. I got fired after 15 minutes. They told me it was because I put women's rights in the fiction section.

Someone: Stop making jokes about sh!

Me: Oh, sorry man, I'll cut it out, I'll cut it out deep!

My dad died in 9/11. He was the best pilot I have ever seen, though.

I got suspended for telling the emo kid to hang in there.

I knew a girl that died from having phone sex... He died of hearing aids.

What is the difference between an orphan and an apple?

Well, at least one gets picked.

Why is the Tower of Pisa leaning?

Because unlike the Twin Towers it can dodge.

Why do orphans not know if they're lactose intolerant?

Because their dad never came back with milk.

Throw a few paper airplanes at the twins in your class, see if they fall.

Imagine a white van. Now imagine a white guy in the driver seat with a sombrero on and his arm out the window, and on the side of the van it says "Free Candy." But there's blood all over the van and a dead clown in the back.

You have a problem with jokes about dementia? That's funny, I don't remember asking.

I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?!”

I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet!”, and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one person, he didn't hear the joke.

My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back? Sadly, the hardest part to eat of the vegetable is the wheelchair.