Worst Jokes Ever

I fear my last words will be "hold my beer and watch this."

If you're ever bored, pee on an android. Apple is better!

Why do seagulls not fly over the bay?

Because if they did, they'd be bay gulls.

If you're ever bored, adopt an orphan. What is he going to do, be kissed by Vedanta?

I caught my sister licking up and down and deep throating a banana. I said, "Why are you doing that for?" She replied, "I'm doing it for practice for your friends."

I told my mum that a few guys tell me that you're a MILF.

My mom said what that is. I reply, "Mom, I'd Like To Fuck." My mum started out to laugh, then she told me, "Well, now you need a new stepdad."

A blind man walked into me at a store. I said, "Watch it, bitch!" and he said, "Sorry, I didn't see you there."

Me: Have you ever went sky diving?

Friend: No.

Me: Well don't, it sucks.

Friend: Why?

Me: They gave me a parachute and I lived.

Yo mama so short that when she plays mini golf, it's just called golf.

Yo mama so ugly that on Halloween she didn't get candy.

So I made a parody for "Me, Myself, and I." It goes like this: "Me, Myself, and I, I'm gonna drink bleach until I die!"

What did my grandpa say after he kicked the bucket?

Nothing, I unplugged his life support before he said a word.

One time this kid came back from school and said, "Mom I have one good news and one bad news, which one do you wanna hear first?" And his mom said, "Good news please," and the boy said, "I got 100% on my math test today." and his mom gave him a hug, and the boy said, "Now to the bad news, I LIED!"

Teacher: Take a seat, class.

Wheelchair person: I've been in the seat.

A person with a wheelchair makes a joke. No one laughs.

Inner thought: "Wheely Manerva, wheely."

People with wheelchairs listen to "Rolling in the Deep" by Adele.

How to make holy water:

1. Grab a pot.

2. Put water in it.

3. Set the stove to 420 degrees.

4. Boil the hell out of it.

My friend Nickiya wanted to know what animal she'd be. I said that she would be a "Ni-cat-a."

What has 2 legs and is red all over?

Stephen Hawking died because he lost his WiFi connection.