Worst Jokes Ever
You know, my mom told me to become an astronaut.
I told her I don't want to become the next firework.
Why did I get a divorce, you ask? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't get me a present and didn't even wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my co-workers didn't wish me a happy birthday.
As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" That moment, I felt so special. She then asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?"
"Okay," I said.
She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, and my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.
11:45 - Arrived at crime scene.
11:45 - Examined body. Signs of struggle.
11:45 - Found murder weapon in drain.
11:45 - Realized watch was broken.
Yo mama so sad that when Alejandra Parma died, she bought 20 Cocomelon Happy Meals from McDonald's and became fat.
Child: Dad, I want you to say "I'm a Man" after everything I say!
Dad: Uh, okay?
Child: My wife cheated on me.
Dad: I'm a man.
Child: So I went to the bar.
Dad: I'm a man.
Child: I met a hot girl.
Dad: I'm a man.
Child: So I brought her home.
Dad: I'm a man.
Child: After sleeping together, she woke up, faced me and said...
Dad: I'm a man.
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My sister asked me, "Brother, how do babies come into the world?" Then my mom said, "Be quiet and fuck your brother, darling."
Is that the answer?
Dark humor is like sex: not everybody gets it.
What is the best way to pick up a woman from the bar?
Spike her drink with roofies.
Why did they burn witches back in the day?
Because they were annoying feminists.
I met a lewd nude in Bermuda
Who thought she was shrewd: I was shrewder;
She thought it quite crude
To be wooed in the nude;
I pursued her, subdued her, and screwed her.
Father heard his children scream,
so he threw them in the stream.
Saying, as he drowned the third,
"Children should be seen, not heard!"
Willy found some dynamite,
couldn't understand it quite.
Curiosity never pays;
It rained Willy seven days.
There is nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.
The president of a company comes in to talk to his employees. He says, "As you know, sales have been way down and many of you are not meeting your quotas. We decided to SHAKE things up a bit and introduce you to our new Vice President: Michael J. Fox."
What do you call the bomb dropped on Hiroshima?
A rice cooker.
What is the difference between a black pilot and Charlie Kirk?
The black pilot is still alive.
Why did Hitler kill himself?
So he didn't have to pay the gas bills.
Why are women like parking spots?
Because all of the good ones are always taken first, and you gotta wait until they're available again.