Misunderstanding jokes

I tried to high-five my emo friend, but he just left me hanging.

Male Patient: So I just pull my pants down and bend over for my prostate exam.

Doctor: Yup.

Male: Ok I'm ready....hey doc that doesn't feel like a finger.

Doctor: He he yeah...im not a doctor.

Mom: Quit making suicidal jokes!

Me: Don't worry, it will all be over soon, Mom!

Mom: ❓❓❓

Yo momma so stupid that she thought Dunkin' Donuts was a basketball team.

An orphan was running down the road. A car pulled up and said, "Get in." So the orphan got in and said, "Where are we going?" The kidnapper said, "I'm taking you to my house." The orphan replied, "OML, ARE YOU ADOPTING ME!?"

I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.

My depressed friend said he wanted to jump off of a bridge but he didn’t wanna commit suicide. I told him if you jump and yell "parkour," it’ll just be a failed stunt.

Woman: "I want coffee, black."

Cop: *takes out gun* "WHERE?!"

Last week a girl asked me for sex. I had to disappoint her... so I said yes.

I got suspended for asking an emo kid if he wants to hang out with me.

My wife called me a pedophile. That is a big word for a 2 year old.

My friend and I were joking about a kid in a wheelchair, and another kid came up and said to the wheelchair kid, "You should stand up for yourself."

I don't know what an HD is, but my doctor says I have 80 of 'em'.

"I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he'd ever read."

My suicidal friend said he liked trains, so we took him to the tracks.

I just watched a documentary about Adolf Hitler.

He sure was a popular guy. Everywhere he went, people shouted “Hi Hitler” and gave him a little wave.

I got arrested on suspicion of attempted rape all because I was carrying some cable ties, a bit of tape and a piece of cloth. It's such a joke, I hadn't even bought the chloroform yet.

We split because she would always say I never listen, or something like that.

My wife called me a pedo. That's a big word for a 6 year old.

Friend: I broke up with Sara.

Me: I know, she came over and I screwed her hard.

Friend: How did her pussy feel?

Me: After about 2 inches, it felt brand new.

Friend: What do you— HOLD UP. WHAT TF IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!?!