Miscellaneous jokes
Knock knock. Who's there? Ya. Ya who? Sorry, I prefer Google.
My roommate's diary says I have boundary issues.
What do vegetarian zombies eat?
Graaaaiins.
What does a transgender call his/her parent?
Transparent.
What do you call a Mexican in the zombie apocalypse?
Answer: "Sweet and spicy chicken."
How do you wake up Lady Gaga?
Poker Face.
Roses are red, violets are blue, this poem doesn’t make sense, washing machine.
What's worse than sucking a dozen raw oysters out of your grandmother's cunt?
Putting in 12 and sucking out 13.
What do McDonald's and a priest have in common? They both put their meat in 10 year old buns.
Do you know the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?
So you're the one!
Q: How do you make a door cry?
A: Twist its knob.
What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller? -- "Curses! Foil again!"
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
Because the "p" is silent.
I talked to a future suicide bomber. I told him, "ISIS ain't got sh** on me because I planted a bomb and lived."
“What happens to an Asian man when he runs into a brick wall with an erection?”
“A broken nose.”
It’s not rape if she’s a dead bear and I lost my job at the circus.
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his driver (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
“I have an idea, boss,” his driver said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.” Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”
When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the driver's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The driver gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool. Without missing a beat, the driver fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my driver, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”
Some guy farts and says, "That was some asshole behind me."
Yo mama's so stupid, she had a staring contest with a mirror.
Q: What do women and KFC have in common?
A: Once you eat the breasts and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.