Miscellaneous jokes
My roommate's diary says I have boundary issues.
What do vegetarian zombies eat?
Graaaaiins.
What does a transgender call his/her parent?
Transparent.
Knock knock. Who's there? Ya. Ya who? Sorry, I prefer Google.
What do you call a Mexican in the zombie apocalypse?
Answer: "Sweet and spicy chicken."
How do you wake up Lady Gaga?
Poker Face.
What's worse than sucking a dozen raw oysters out of your grandmother's cunt?
Putting in 12 and sucking out 13.
What do McDonald's and a priest have in common? They both put their meat in 10 year old buns.
Do you know the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?
So you're the one!
What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller? -- "Curses! Foil again!"
I talked to a future suicide bomber. I told him, "ISIS ain't got sh** on me because I planted a bomb and lived."
Q: How do you make a door cry?
A: Twist its knob.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
Because the "p" is silent.
“What happens to an Asian man when he runs into a brick wall with an erection?”
“A broken nose.”
It’s not rape if she’s a dead bear and I lost my job at the circus.
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his driver (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
“I have an idea, boss,” his driver said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.” Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”
When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the driver's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The driver gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool. Without missing a beat, the driver fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my driver, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”
What did one tree say to the tree that was a bully? "LEAF me alone."
Some guy farts and says, "That was some asshole behind me."
Yo mama's so stupid, she had a staring contest with a mirror.
There were three guys stranded on a desert island. Each was granted one wish by a genie that found them. The first guy said, "I wish to go back home." The second guy says the same, and the third guy said, "I'm lonely. I wish my friends were back here."