Medical Care jokes

Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide," and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

I got kicked out of the hospital.

Apparently, the sign "Stroke patients here" meant something totally different.

"I'm sorry," the doctor says, "you have a rare and very contagious disease. We must quarantine you, and you'll only be fed cheese and bologna."

"Will that cure me?" the patient asks.

"Well, no," the doctor replies, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."

I got kicked out of the hospital because I told all the Covid-19 patients to stay positive.

A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.”

“Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”

Yo mama is so fat when she goes to the dentist, they make her lay face down.

Why should you never tell your French doctor that you bite your tongue?

Because your French doctor will give you a tetanus shot.

Me running out of the hospital after telling COVID patients to stay "positive."