Medical Care jokes

Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide," and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

I got kicked out of the hospital.

Apparently, the sign "Stroke patients here" meant something totally different.

"I'm sorry," the doctor says, "you have a rare and very contagious disease. We must quarantine you, and you'll only be fed cheese and bologna."

"Will that cure me?" the patient asks.

"Well, no," the doctor replies, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."

I got kicked out of the hospital because I told all the Covid-19 patients to stay positive.

Yo mama is so fat when she goes to the dentist, they make her lay face down.

A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.”

“Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”

Why should you never tell your French doctor that you bite your tongue?

Because your French doctor will give you a tetanus shot.

Me running out of the hospital after telling COVID patients to stay "positive."

I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me when he was dying.

It seemed really important to him that I have it.

I go in to get a prostate exam. I'm nervous, but the doctor says it's all natural and needs to be done.

So he pulls down my pants and sticks one finger up my ass. I feel it go deeper inside, feeling for abnormalities.

That's when I realize his hands are on my shoulders.

I'm a family doctor and I wish I could help but... you're an orphan.

A woman walks into a doctor's office. She schedules an appointment and sits down in the waiting room. When it's her turn to talk to the doctor, she describes all of her symptoms, and they're unlike anything he's heard before. The doctor runs a few tests and steps out of the room. He comes back later, and says, "Well, I have good news and bad news." The woman says, "I'll hear the good news first please." The doctor replies, "The good news is we're naming a disease after you!"

I turned off all the beeping machines in the hospital. I love the peace and quiet, but I don't know why everyone is sleeping cause it's only 8 am.