ME jokes

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Teacher: What's your favorite animal?

Me: Desert Eagle.

Teacher: Why?

Me: 'Cause it fits in my backpack.

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    • Gf: Babe, do you love me?

    Bf: Count the stars and that's how much I love you.

    Gf: But it's morning, sweetie...

    Bf: Exactly.

    Gf: :0, I'll take that as a no.

    So last week I gave my blind friend a cheese grater. The next two weeks he told me that was the most violent book he has ever read.

    Me and my stepmom went into the forest.

    I think I hid the body pretty well, but now I have to hide the gun.

    So, I went up to an Australian girl. She looked like she was 20, and I said, "Can I have your phone number, sweetheart?" She said, "696969." I said, "Oh, haha, okay." A few days later, her mother called me and said she's 15.

    My dad told me a new version of a happy birthday song:

    Happy birthday to you, you live in a zoo, you look like a monkey, and you smell like one too!

    No offense to anyone reading this on their birthday.

    Teacher: Everyone, tomorrow is bring your mom to school day.

    Me: Sorry but my mom's not gonna make it.

    Teacher: Why?

    Me: I'm an orphan, bitch.

    I'm having sex with your mother. That makes me better than you.

    I'm having sex with your mother. That makes me better than you.

    *guitar solo*

    I like your mama's big butt, and I cannot lie. Your other brothers can't deny that she's fly. We make sexy time, yes and every night I tap that. She saw me butt-naked, now she thinks I'm half black. But your mom's the best, the super M.I.L.F. 'Cause she loves to toss the salad even though she ain't a chef. And I blame it on the al-al-al-cohol But if I were you, I wouldn't kiss your mom on the mouth at all. She likes the Donkey-Punch. She likes the Dirty Sanchez. Sometimes she even likes to fool around in your bed. She likes rough sex with handcuffs and I'll be honest She likes me to Chris Brown her when she acts like Rihanna. She's so therapeutic. When I need to cure my restlessness I br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br motorboat your mom's breastestess. I didn't wanna tell you, but I had to write this song 'Cause I'm in your house every night doin' your mo-om.

    I'm doin' your mom. Yes, yours!

    I first saw her in the Wal-Mart pickin' out your drawers. Big Dolly Parton hair like an 80s prom queen but her ass was lookin' good all up in those mom-jeans. I approached her in the checkout line, and said, "Yo baby wassup?" She had two gallons of milk, and I was starin' at her jugs. Five minutes later she agreed to get with me so we went and rocked the minivan like Giggity. Giggity. Giggity.

    I was ridin' your mom like she was Mario Kart. I gave her a lift back to her crib cause her car wouldn't start. She invited me in the house, and we started makin' out again. How many times I tap that ass? OVER 9000!

    Yeah. She called me Pledge cause I knocked the dust off it. She later made me a sandwich and she cut the crust off it. Cause she knows how I like it, and that I'm a little young to be in the bed, butt-naked doin' your mom.

    Doin your mom doin doin your mom

    You know we straight with doin your mom

    I'm doin your mom. Yes yours!

    I first saw her in the Wal-Mart pickin out your drawers.

    Big Dolly Parton hair like an 80s prom queen

    But her ass was lookin' good all up in those mom-jeans.

    I approached her in the checkout line, and said yo baby wassup?

    She had two gallons of milk, and I was starin' at her jugs.

    Five minutes later she agreed to get with me

    So we went and rocked the minivan like Giggity. Giggity. Giggity.

    I was ridin' your mom like she was Mario Kart.

    I gave her a lift back to her crib cause her car wouldn't start.

    She invited me in the house, and we started makin' out again.

    How many times I tap that ass? OVER 9000!

    Yeah. She called me Pledge cause I knocked the dust off it.

    She later made me a sandwich and she cut the crust off it.

    Cause she knows how I like it, and that I'm a little young

    To be in the bed, butt-naked doin your mom.

    Doin your mom doin doin your mom

    You know we straight with doin your mom

    I like your mama's big butt, and I cannot lie.

    You other brothers can't deny that she's fly.

    We make sexy time, yes and every night I tap that.

    She saw me butt-naked, now she thinks I'm half black.

    But your moms the best, the super M.I.L.F.

    Cause she loves to toss the salad even though she ain't a chef

    And I blame it on the al-al-al-cohol

    But If I were you, I wouldn't kiss your mom on the mouth at all.

    She likes the Donkey-Punch. She likes the Dirty Sanchez.

    Sometimes she even likes to fool around in your bed.

    She likes rough sex with handcuffs and I'll be honest

    She likes me to Chris Brown her when she acts like Rihanna.

    She's so therapeutic. When I need to cure my restlessness

    I br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br motorboat your moms breastestess.

    I didn't wanna tell you, but I had to write this song

    Cause I'm in your house every night doin your mo-om.

    Doin your mom doin doin your mom

    You know we straight with doin your mom

    I'm havin' sex with your mother

    That makes me better than you.

    I'm havin' sex with your mother

    That makes me better than you.

    Two to the one from the one to the three, I like good pussy and I like good trees, Smoke so much weed you wouldn't believe, And I get more ass than a toilet seat.

    Three to the one from the one to the three, I met a bad bitch last night in the D, Let me tell you how I made her leave with me, Conversation and Hennessey.

    I've been to the motherfuckin' mountain top, Heard motherfuckers talk, seen and dropped, If I ain't got a weapon I'ma pick up a rock, And when I bust yo ass I'ma continue to rock.

    Getcha ass of the wall with your two left feet, It's real easy just follow the beat, Don't let that fine girl pass you by, Look real close 'cause strobe lights blind.

    We were so poor my dad would give me a penny not to eat supper.

    I'd put it under my pillow and while I was sleeping, he would come in and take it. In the morning, he would holler at me for losing the penny.

    You and me went up to stab your father. He was out, do not pout. They are coming after.

    Jack and Jill went down to hell to fetch your mother's bladder.

    Her bladder broke. You two are soaked, and now you have a daughter, 'cause in that bladder was me!

    He only won the election because of rigging.

    82 million votes my ass.

    Ask me for proof.

    Here's a list of puns, not all of them are mine.

    1. Smaller babies may be delivered by stork, but the heavier ones need a crane.

    2. Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

    3. My sister bet that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.

    4. Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting.

    5. Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

    6. Why was the cookie sad? Because his mom was a wafer long!

    7. Why didn’t the cat go to the vet? He was feline fine!

    8. How do you make a good egg-roll? You push it down a hill!

    9. That baseball player was such a bad sport. He stole third base and then just went home!

    10. My parents said I can’t drink coffee anymore. Or else they’ll ground me!

    My name is Devonair.

    When I get a haircut, it's always bald.

    Kids make fun of me, they call me "dang-near bald head."

    My name is Devonair *dev-on-near*

    I always thought they were making fun of me because of my name pronounced near.

    My bf: Knock knock.

    Me: Who's there?

    My bf: Ice cream.

    Me: Ice cream who?

    My bf: I scream if you don't let me see that smoking hot body!