Makeup jokes
What's red and got makeup all over?
A Bill Cosby victim.
Me: Mom, can I have some makeup?
Mom: No. You are beautiful just the way you are.
Me: So that’s why you wear makeup?
What’s a witch’s favorite makeup?
Ma-SCARE-a!
The other day my wife told me to pass her her lipstick, but I accidently passed her a glue stick... she still isn't talking to me.
I spent 10 hours applying makeup so I could look pretty when I was going to have sex with my partner.
I needn't have bothered.
The next day, it was smeared all over my face.
So I came across a guy who was carrying a ton of clothing and makeup.
And I asked him what he is doing.
Guy: Some kawaii girl told me if I bought and brought her this crap, she would let me play with her tits.
Me: Erm... Are you a simp?
Two minutes later, the guy arrived at Kawaii Girl's house.
KG: You have it?
Guy: Yup, now can I play with them?
KG: Sure!
KG then went to her room.
Guy: Ohhhh, I know what your going to do. You're gonna call me over and you will be-
KG then held a bird cage with two birds in it.
KG: Have fun playing with them!
Guy: WHAT THE FU-
A man is dating three women and has to choose which one he'll marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.
The first woman does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up, and buys several new outfits to look sexy for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second woman goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third woman invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money... Then he married the one with the biggest tits.
Why do women wear makeup and perfume?
Because they're ugly and smell bad.
"When I heard that not arguing or fighting in a relationship represents a lack of interest, that's when my girlfriend started missing her makeup box."
Do you wanna eat makeup, 'cause you're not pretty on the inside?
Why can't lesbians wear makeup while on a diet?
Because they can't eat Jenny Craig while Mary Kay is sitting on their face.
It must be tiring to put makeup on two faces.
Women be like I don't wear makeup for men.
Then get mad when a man doesn't compliment her in her makeup!
"This dude right here don't look nothing like no damn Tyrese Gibson. He look like a hot, fishy tail termite all dressed in green makeup."
I rub lipstick on my forehead to make up my mind.
A man is dating three women and has to choose which one he'll marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.
The first woman does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits to look sexy for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second woman goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third woman invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money... Then he married the one with the biggest breasts.
Q. Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A. Because they hate the taste of their stupid clown wigs, makeup, and retarded shoes.
Girlfriend: I just lost 5 pounds!
Me: How many makeup wipes did you need?
You're so ugly, when you put makeup on, it makes you look like a clown.
What's the difference between a piranha and a teenage girl?
The piranha doesn't wear makeup.