Madness Jokes

Digga D, I'm a well known bandit, bandit Had a new mash, just landed Jheez, cop it, chop it, sand it, hand it The verbal ting I can't stand it Wife and two, got tanned when I banged it Mad ting Got a conspiracy case in the silliest Place, they're saying that I planned it, damn it Back on a Feltham landing You ain't been in the hood like Robin I ride in hoods tryna leave man red (Crud) The sweets are goldy, yola drops and lots of dred (Maud) No porkies, pepper them pigeons, they chase this ped Gyal tryna give man noddy, She ain't got balls in her tongue thats dead

A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion "What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest.

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, next I can become Bishop." said the Priest.

"Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi.

"If I work real hard and do a good job as Bishop, it's possible for me to become an Archbishop." said the Priest.

"O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi.

The Priest, beginning to get a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal."

"And then?" asked the Rabbi.

The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"

"Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"

There was a orphan once and someone knocks on his door and said "hello son come and hug me" but the orphan says "excuse me who are you?" and the guy says "you dont remember me im your dad" and then the orphan says "fine then if your really my dad, come inside and let me asked you some questions" and the man says "ok then but i am really your dad" then the orphan asked some questions to the man and the man gets some of them right so the orphan believes that the man is his dad and then the orphan says "you really are my dad?" and then he shows his dad his house and the orphan has a room mate and the dad and the orpahn finally get to then bedroom and then the dad knocks out the orphan and then the dad starts to have something with the orphan / son and the room mate hears weird noises in the orphans / sons room and he walks in and see them having seggs and the room mate records it but then kicks out the dad out f the house and then the room mate shares the video to the orphans school chat and then the next day the dad gets arrested because he was actually a gay nonce and everybody at the orphans school call him gay but he really isnt but since he was mad and disgusted he pulled a AK47 out of his bag and kills everybody in the school and was never seen again.

Btw this is a joke so dont take it seriously.

Why was Stephen hawkings wife mad at

She cought him having an afair with his shoulder

Q: How did the mobile phone propose to his girlfriend?

A: He gave her a ring.

Q: What’s the most popular video game at the bread bakery?

A: Knead for Speed.

Q: Why is Santa good at karate?

A: He has a black belt.

Q: Where do werewolves buy Christmas gifts?

A: Beast Buy.

Q: What did the snowflake say to the road?

A: Let’s stick together.

Q: Why did the turkey join a band?

A: So he could use his drumsticks.

Q: What’s a math teacher’s favorite winter sport?

A: Figure skating.

Q: Where do werewolves buy Christmas gifts?

A: Beast Buy.

Q: What did the snowflake say to the road?

A: Let’s stick together.

Q: Why did the turkey join a band?

A: So he could use his drumsticks.

Q: What’s a math teacher’s favorite winter sport?

A: Figure skating.

Q: What’s a firefly’s favorite dance?

A: The glitterbug.

Q: Why are eyeshadow, lipstick, and mascara never mad at each other?

A: Because they always make-up

via GIPHY

Q: Where do roses sleep at night?

A: In their flowerbed

Q: Why was the show bad at gymnastics?

A: She was a flip-flop

Q: What should you wear to a tea party?

A: A t-shirt

Q: What’s rain’s favorite accessory?

A: A rainbow

Q: Where does a sink go dancing?

A: The Dish-co

Q: What’s a princess’s favorite time?

A: Knight time.

Q: Why did the Genie get mad?

A: Because he was rubbed the wrong way.

Q: What’s a ballerina’s favorite type of bread?

A: A bun.

Q: What kind of dance was the frog prince best at?

A: Hip hop.

Q: What do bunnies like to do at the mall?

A: Shop ‘til they hop.

via GIPHY

Q: How did the beauty school student do on her manicure test?

A: She nailed it.

Q: What is corn’s favorite music?

A: Pop.

Q: Why can’t Monday lift Saturday?

A: It’s a weak day.

Q: Why was the politician out of breath?

A: He was running for office.

Q: What is a soccer player’s favorite chemical element?

A: Goooooooooooold!

Q: Why did the fastest cat in class get kicked out of school?

A: He was a cheetah.

Q: Which state has the greatest number of jokes?

A: Pennsylvania.

Q: Where is the best place to sit when a submarine is diving?

A: Inside.

Q: Why did the lawyer show up in court in his underwear?

A: He forgot his lawsuit.

Q: Why was the teenager no longer allowed online without a license?

A: He crashed the computer

via GIPHY

Q: What’s a ball that you don’t throw, shoot, eat, spit, bounce, or catch?

A: An eyeball.

Q: What do turtles, eggs, and beaches all have?

A: Shells.

Q: What time of year do people get injured the most?

A: In the fall.

Q: Why did the quarterback take the hardest classes?

A: Because he knew he would pass.

Q: Why did the musician throw away her table?

A: Because it was flat.

Q: Why didn’t the farmer's son study medicine?

A: Because he wanted to go into a different field?

Q: What is the math teacher’s favorite dessert?

A: Pi

Q: Why was the princess in the emergency r

1. A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied: 
"Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!" 2. "If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up", said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?", inquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself." 3. A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"
God said, "Sure, just a second." 4. Putin is held hostage by a terrorist. A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"
Policeman: "A terrorist is holding Putin hostage in a car. He's demanding 10 million rubles, or he'll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire. So we're asking drivers for donations."
Driver: "Oh, ok. How much do people donate on average."
Policeman: "About a gallon." 5. A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." 
He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?" 6. My boss was honest with me today. He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year." 7. After a prolonged drought when the rain came, all the animals in the forest were happy except the Kangaroo. When the others asked him what the reason was for such sadness, the Kangaroo revealed that the rain meant that all its kids would now be playing inside. 8. My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing.
I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend. 9. The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires... She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!"
I responded, "Inflation." 10. During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"
He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."
I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

I just got my doctor’s test results and I’m really upset about it. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor. My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don’t even care. Today, I asked my phone “Siri, why am I still single?” and it activated the front camera. A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!” As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice. I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden. The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash. He said I was a sight for psoriasis. Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions. I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere. Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs. A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down,” the tree exclaims, “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.” My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her. What does my dad have in common with Nemo? They both can’t be found. I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors. When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein. Do you know the phrase “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted. My husband left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.” I’m not sure what he’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine! Why did the man miss the funeral? He wasn’t a mourning person. It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive. Want to know how you make any salad into a Caesar salad? Stab it twenty-three times. When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on outings. Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life. My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right. When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back. A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, “Do you have any last requests?” “Yes,” replies the murderer. “Can you please hold my hand?” I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy. The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved. You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo. Where did Joe go after getting lost on a minefield? Everywhere. What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick. My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support. My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister. What did the Titanic say as it sank? I’m nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge! Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, “Bach, Bach, Bach.” How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry. I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was 5. They laughed at my crayon drawing. I laughed at their chalk outline. My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow. I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work. The most corrupt CEOs are the ones who run pretzel companies. They’re always so twisted. To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state. I was reading a great book about an immortal cat the other day. It was impossible to put down. You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example. I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear. What’s the difference between a hipster and a football player? A football player showers. I made a website for orphans. It doesn’t have a home page. The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me. Why can’t Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school? Because he’s dead.