King jokes
Student: 503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?
Teacher: 502.
Student: How do you put an elephant in a fridge?
Teacher: No, you can't fit an elephant in a fridge!!
Student: Just open door, put elephant in, close door.
Student: How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?
Teacher: open door, put giraffe in, close door
Student: No! Open door, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close door.
Student: The Lion King is having a B-day party. All the animals are there, except one. Which one?
Teacher: let me guess the lion?
Student: No! The giraffe because He's in a fridge.
Teacher: WOW!
Student: Sally has to get across a large river home to many alligators. They are very dangerous, but Sally swims across safely. How?
Teacher: Sally stepped on the alligators mouth?
Student: The gators are at the party.
Student: But Sally dies anyway. Why?
Teacher: She drowned?!
Student: No! She got hit in the head by a flying brick.
My mom is a chemistry teacher.
Mom: You can’t be attracted to something without it being attracted to you back.
Me: Tell that to my FUCKING CRUSH, BITCH!
Knock knock! Who's there? King Tut! King Tut who? King Tutty Fried Chicken!
A husband walks into his house to find his wife watching Gordon Ramsay's F-king cooking show!
Husband: "Stop watching that f-king sh*t! You can't cook to save your life!"
Wife: "So what?! You watch porn, don't you?!"
Q: How did we learn cats don't land on their feet?
A: We asked Mufasa from the Lion King.
So, I was f**king my daughter the other night, and I don’t know what was funnier: the looks on my wife’s face when she walked in on me or the fact that the abortion clinic let me keep her.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumeference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
Do you know why the Royal family can no longer play Monopoly?
How do you think Princess Diana died?
...Too soon?
Who is king of the insects?
The Monarch.
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?
He forgot to wrap his Whopper.
Two mates walk into a bar.
Mate 1: "Shit! Look at that spider over there!"
Mate 2: "Whateverrrrrrr."
Mate 1: "No, seriously, it's bloody massive!"
Mate 2: "(Turns around) Shit, that's huge, I thought you were joking."
Mate 1: "No, I'm Fred King, Jo King's brother ;-)"
Q: What do American beer and canoes have in common?
A: Fu@king close to water!
You know what the yin and yang looked like before Martin Luther King Jr.?
There was none, it was all white!
How did Stephen Hawking die?
Someone unplugged the router.
Who’s the roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table?
Circumference.
Where do Dairy Queen and Burger King go after dinner?
White Castle.
I saw Stephen Hawking using an ATM. It is nice to see he had found someone before he shut down.
What does Stephen King call his wife...
The black hole.
Time for a story: There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off. How many are left? 499.
What are the 3 steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator? Open fridge, put in elephant, close fridge.
What are the 4 steps to putting a giraffe in a fridge? Open fridge, take out elephant, put in giraffe, close fridge.
The lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend except one, who is it? Giraffe, he's stuck in the fridge.
Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across safely, how? The alligators where at the birthday party.
Sally dies anyway. How? She got hit in the head by a flying brick.
If a king farts, is it a noble gas?