it's jokes
A random drunk person ate poop, but he found out it was liquid...
After a lord comes back from vacation, he meets the gardener at the gates of his park.
Lord: "Has something happened while I was gone?"
Gardener: "Ah, nothing much, I just broke a shovel while I was burying your dog."
Lord: "My dog died?!"
Gardener: "Yes, it choked on the smoke when your mansion burnt down."
Lord: "My mansion?! How?!"
Gardener: "Well, your wife was distraught and dropped a candle on the curtains."
Lord: "Why was she so distraught?"
Gardener: "She received the news of your daughter being kidnapped."
Lord: "My daughter! Don't you have any positive news for me?!"
Gardener: "Oh right! Your cancer test results!"
Why does the egg crack? Cos it's sad.
What planets do Astronauts like to pee on?
Uranus!
(Say this out loud and it will make more sense.)
Q: Do you know why orphans rob banks?
A: Because it's a guarantee they'll be wanted afterwards.
This whole string is really messed up. Y'all should be ashamed of yourselves. I just heard the audio recording of the crash and it said, "HE'S ON FIRE! BOOM SHAKALAKA!"
Little Johnny walked into the bathroom while his dad was taking a dump. As soon as Little Johnny walked in, his dad let out a big FART! Little Johnny said, “WHAT WAS THAT?” His dad said, “That was the sound of the north wind.” The next day his teacher asked the class, “What’s the direction of the north wind?” Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher called on him and he said, “TEACH IT’S MY DADDY’S BOOTY!”
Every time a Light Saber goes off, it's just a Jedi Master getting hard over a kid. Lol.
How does a train sneeze?
It goes, "A-choo choo!"
A man walks to the window and opens it and pulls out his phone and takes a photo. "One more picture and I'll jump." He takes another photo and shuts the window. "I can't jump, you're not supposed to throw trash out the window."
A doctor slept with one of his patients and thought to himself, "This is wrong, but some doctors do it..." He is a vet.
Your forehead is so big, I took a picture of it last Christmas, and it’s still printing.
What's a Parkinson's victim's least favorite song?
Taylor Swift - "Shake it Off".
The holy water in this church is of the highest quality: it has been assed by the bishop.
People want to be nice to each other because they only have one life, and they want to live it well.
Sucks to be them. I'm a cat.
Man, I had a joke, but it left and never came back.
What's blue and bad for your teeth?
A green brick that's painted blue after the original paint dries (it takes a little while to dry), but after it dries you can paint it and then it will be green. If the brick is green it is called a green brick as it is green (not blue anymore) and it hurts your teeth because brick is a hard material that can damage the bones in your mouth (also known as your teeth).
What time is it?
What do you call a dog with 2 legs?
It doesn’t matter, it won’t come anyways.
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.