IT jokes
What's the difference between an onion and a baby?
One makes you cry when you cut it up.
Hellen Keller once said, "love is not something you see or hear, it is something you feel," but of course she said it like this "fbfebsovbforbw urbwbwvorb."
My friend Arid asked me what I did over the weekend. I told him, "I read."
Get it? I read? No... ok.
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Infinite because feminists can't solve problems.
Three men are outside Heaven's gates waiting to go through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them, "Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven."
The first guy says, "I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times." The angel gives him an old model pick up. The second guy says, "11 years and only once," and is granted a Mercedes.
The last man says, "20 years and not once. I loved her with all my heart," and with the angel impressed, he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later, the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says, "I know we are dead, but it could be much worse."
The guy looks up and says, "How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard!"
Why is April the smartest month?
It can never be fooled.
Why didn't the skeleton want to make art anymore?
He didn't have the heart to put into it.
Why did the bat fall out of the tree?
It couldn’t hang in there.
A goat drank my Red Bull, so now it's a Baphomet!
What's better than throwing up a stillborn?
Making your wife eat it again.
Why did Jack throw his alarm clock out the window?
Because it reminded him of Arnold Clock, the man who was accused of knife-raping his wife.
So Jesus has been nailed to the cross.
On the first day, he starts to moan, "Peter, Peter!"
Well, Peter hears Jesus moaning and feels it is important, so begins to go up the hill. On his way, he is met by some Roman soldiers and they proceed to beat his ass back down the hill.
On the second day, Peter hears Jesus moaning again, "Peter, Peter!"
Peter thinks to himself, this is important. He heads up the hill, fights past the first line, but gets a beatdown by the second group and back down the hill he goes.
On the third day, Peter is woken up by Jesus sounding very weak, but calling out, "Peter, Peter!"
Peter feels that whatever it is that Jesus needs him for must be very important. Peter heads up the hill, he is on a mission. He manages to fight his way thru three sets of Roman guards and make his way to the cross Jesus has been nailed to for three days. He looks up to Jesus and says, "Jesus, I have heard your calls, what is so important?"
Jesus- "Peter, I can see your house from here!"
Why are babies called bundles of joy?
When you break the bundle, it gives you joy.
An apple a day can do so much more than keep the doctor away... it can keep ANYONE away.
if you throw it hard enough.
Went to my local Indian restaurant and asked the waiter for a chicken tarka Masala.
The waiter said, "What's that?"
I said, "It's the same as a tikka, just a little otter."
What does it mean when a man sits on a boulder instead of on the ground?
A bolder choice.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles.
How does the sea say hello?
It WAVES you.
SEA what I did there?
I'm SHORE you saw it.
Don't be SALTY!
How many gay guys can you fit on a barstool? 4... if you turn it upside down.
I just got a job at the prison library.
It has its prose and cons.