IT jokes
Why didn't the oyster share its pearl?
Because it was a cunt.
What's the difference between a female NCO and a zebra?
A zebra didn't have to suck and fuck to get it's stripes.
"Come on, take the camera!"
"Isn't it clear?"
"Well, look!"
It used to be "My Body, My Choice" until Trump came to power. Now it's "Your Body, My Choice."
It's a joke, not a dick. Don't take it so hard.
A toaster and a slice of whole wheat bread sit together in the sauna.
After five minutes, the bread starts to sweat extremely and says: "Oh, I think I'm going to be a toast in here!"
The toaster just looks at it bored from the side and replies: "Don't get upset. I'm just here to really switch off."
Mexican Comedy Week
Margarita Monday Taco Tuesday Wetback Wednesday Tequila Thursday Fiesta Friday Shake It Saturday Sneaky Sunday
What song did Whitney Houston listen to while doing cocaine?
"Run It!" by Chris Brown.
Did you hear about the tourist that came to New York? Good, because they were a terrorist... When they were asked why they were traveling, they just mispronounced it.
What did Osama give the Windows on the World restaurant in the WTC as a rating when he ate it? A 9/11!
What is a little zombie's favorite stuffed animal?
It's a deady bear.
I used to think that I had a Japanese friend, but it was just my imagi-asian.
What did the computer say when it was tired of the user?
Kiss my ASCII!
I just found out that one of the new Star Wars shows is going to be about the time that some malware overloaded all of their computers, and I can tell from the title that those computers use Windows!
It's called "The Bad Batch File!"
Why did the deer go to the dentist?
It had buck teeth.
Three nuns die in a car crash, but they all make it to heaven. They're standing at the pearly gates, and Saint Peter says to them, "Don't worry, you're going to get in, but first I need you to answer these questions."
He asks the first nun, "What was the name of the first woman?" The nun says, "Eve." Saint Peter says, "Go on in."
Then he asks the second nun, "Where did Adam and Eve live?" The second one says, "The Garden of Eden." Saint Peter says, "You can go through."
Finally, he gets to the third nun and says, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" The nun stands there a little confused and says, "Boy, that's a hard one." Saint Peter, shocked, goes, "That's correct! Go on in."
A man walks into a restaurant. The waitress hands him a menu and it says: "Hot dog: $2, Hamburger: $5, Blowjob: $10."
He asks the waitress, "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"
She says, "Yes, I am."
He tells her, "Good. Can you go wash your goddamn hands? Because I want a hot dog."
I am starting a business where I help people count. It is called making the little things count.
I wanted to make a joke about dandruff.
People are still scratching their heads over it.
Why did the blonde snort artificial sweetener?
She thought it was diet coke.