My sex life.
What does your first football game and your first time having sex have in common?
You were bloody and battered but at least your dad came.
My girlfriend said she wanted to be pampered. I told her I wasn't into diaper fetishes.
What's two lesbians in a tent?
A finger hut.
My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.
Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!
That's the best I've done so far.
Hey babe, I’m looking to get 23 years in 23 seconds, can you help?
Weather is like sex. Once in a while you need to get wet.
What do you call two Mexicans having sex? 50-shades of brown.
If you have a daughter, give her the same name as the mum; that way when you call for a beer, you get two beers, and when you call for sex, you get two sex...
What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Stop and apply lubrication.
What's the definition of trust?
Two cannibals giving each other blowjobs.
Is sex a joke? Because I don't get it.
I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging.
Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.
He: "Do you smoke after sex?"
She: "I don't know. I've never looked."
How do you really piss off your girlfriend while having sex?
Call her on the phone.
Why is baby shampoo the best anal lube?
No more tears.
What are the three worst words to hear while you are having sex?
Honey, I'm home!
