INS jokes
If dust mites are found in dust, bedbugs are found in beds, where are cockroaches found in?
Me: "Oh man, things are really happening for me! I have so much to do!"
Depression: "Lie in bed."
What do the Titanic and the Montréal Canadiens have in common? They both sank to the bottom of the Atlantic.
Say all you want about priests, but at least they drive slowly in school zones.
If 6 guys are in a room with each other, is it technically a 6-pack?
A kid decided to burn his house down.
His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, "That's arson."
How many emos does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they just sit there and cry in the dark.
I got caught peeing in the pool.
The lifeguard blew his whistle so hard I nearly fell in!
Where are the best shooting ranges in America?
Used to be in schools, but now in subways.
I hate salmonella.
It is such a pain in the butt.
What does the 'w' in Africa stand for? Water.
What's the most played game in Africa? Hunger Games.
I was given an invisibility cloak by my grandfather, but it was stolen in 2013. After investigating this issue, I have come to the conclusion it was Robert Lewandisney.
That's why he was invisible in every big game since 2013. SHAME ON YOU LEWANDISNEY!
So skinny you have to run around in the shower to get wet.
How many black people does it take to change a lightbulb in the middle of the night?
I don't know, I can never see them.
Tonight, on Top Gear!
James May dives a bus full of kids off a mountain!
Richard Hammond starts WW3 in Germany!
And I fly a plane into the World Trade Center!
My cousin: Brother, I lost in a game of Call of Duty: Moe Bill [he was supposed to pronounce it as mobile; however, I left it as it is].
Me: So tell me about it then.
My cousin: I lost to Sum_Baldi.
Me: Somebody? Don’t they have, like, the name of you opponents?
My cousin: No, no, no, the name was Sum_Baldi. S.U.M_B.A.L.D.I.
Me: Ok, my bad. Continue.
My cousin: I got Sum_Baldi, and 5 seconds later, I got kill[ed] by Sum_Fing_Wong.
Me: It’s not wrong! In Call of Duty, you are suppose to kill or be killed.
My cousin: No, no, no, the name was Sum_Fing_Wong. S.U.M_F.I.N.G_W.O.N.G.
Me: My bad again. Do continue.
My cousin: I got so angry I blow[ed] up.
Me: So you got blowed up, by what weapon?
My cousin: By the game.
Me: [was not expecting that for an answer]
Why do orphans want to die?
Because they might see their parents in Heaven.
You know what's the most awkward situation in the world? A rapper with erectile dysfunction.
"White on white crime, well ham rights crime anyway in Eastern Europe right now!"