Infant jokes

What's the best thing about dead baby jokes?

They never get old.

A bomb is like a baby; when you drop it, everyone screams.

I was gonna tell a dead baby joke, but I decided to abort.

I got a pen for my baby sister. Best trade I made so far.

An orphan's first word would be "orphan keeper."

How many babies does it take to shingle a roof? Depends on how thin you slice them. -Hope Marie Lawson

What is the difference between a baby and a watermelon?

One is a refreshing summertime snack; the other one is a watermelon.

what do you call a baby in an oven?

my next meal.

I was going to tell a joke about babies, but I decided to abort.

Why wasn't the infant's entire body found?

Because the limbs are scattered around 43°17.7355’N, 113°58.4205’W.

So, a woman gives birth to a child, and the doctor grabs it by the leg and holds it upside down. Then, he starts swinging it around the room, slamming it into the furniture. The mother tries to get up and starts screaming and crying, “Let my baby go, you sick bastard!” The doctor looks at the mother and stops swinging the baby. He is holding it by the left leg and starts chuckling, “I’m just kidding, it was already dead.”

How do you stop a baby from crawling around in circles?

You nail its other hand to the ground.

What do babies and grenades have in common? They both make noise when you throw them.

What is the difference between a baby and a trampoline?

I take off my boots when I jump on a trampoline.

What do you get when you throw a baby into the wheat thresher?

An erection.

What did the deaf, blind, mute, and paralyzed baby get for Christmas?

AIDS.

What is red and goes 200 miles per hour?

A baby in a blender.

How do you stop a baby from drowning?

-Lift up your foot.

What's the difference between a sheet and a baby?

One of them is really loud when you iron it.

Trying to make a baby talk is like trying to negotiate with North Korea.