Im jokes

It's opposite day today. I'm gonna tell an orphan that their parents are here.

I’m like an escalator because I’m always letting people down.

I would tell you a recycling joke.

But I’m afraid it’d just be reused over and over.

Lil Jimmy: Hey doc.

Doctor: Hi, sorry but I can’t see you anymore.

Lil Jimmy: Why?

Doctor: Because, Lil Jimmy, I’m a family doctor, you're an orphan.

Lil Jimmy: 👁👄👁🖕

How long does it take for a depressed person to change a light bulb?

5 days. & I’m pretty proud of myself.

I'm on a seafood diet, I see food and I eat it.

I'm reading this book in braille right now, and I know something's gonna happen, I can just feel it.

So the coach got mad at me because I'm the only one on my team who is only a bit on the spectrum, and I was just keeping the ball to myself. The coach pulled me aside and said, "Pass to others." I said, "Why?" And he said, "There's no 'I' in 'team.'" I said, "Yeah, but there's an 'm' and an 'e.'"

My sister gives her hamster to my brother since she thinks I'm irresponsible, so I throw it out the window.

I told my teacher, "I’m failing life." She said, "That’s not on the syllabus."

I’m a cashier at a grocery store, and when I’m bored, I draw on my hands with a pen. Well, this guy walks up to me and says, “You know, I got mental illnesses from drawing on myself.”

And so, without thinking, I said, “Well, I’ve already got those, so I think I’m fine...” 😳 He looked concerned. Oops lol.

I'm sorry for all the fish puns. I feel so GILL-ty.

A white dude walks up to a Muslim and says, "So you're an Indian?" and the Muslim says, "No brotha, I'm not 7-Eleven, I'm 9/11."

Little Johnny was playing with dick when his teacher walked in the room. She asked him what he was doing, he said Im doing my homework. The teacher saw how big his cock was and asked him to have sex with her. He willingly did so. Little johnny was already 25 so it didn't matter. The only thing was that he was homeschooled.

I'm not gay, but fifty dollars is fifty dollars.

My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with pasta. -- I'm doing well, but I do get cannelloni.

I'm sweating like Michael Jackson at a kindergarten.

If I'm ugly, at least I'm not you.

So, Little Johnny comes home from school knowing damn well he messed up his math test. His mother and father get home and he tells them, "Mom, I failed my math test." His mother aggressively says, "Get the belt!" Johnny says, "Why?" His mother says, "I'm gonna spank you for failing!" Johnny says, "So just like daddy?" His father turns red knowing what they did last night.

I only believe in 12.5% of the bible. I'm an EIGTHeyist.