Im jokes

What makes a healthy normal man different to a disabled man?

"I'm still standing, yeah, yeah, yeah!" (from Elton John)

When the South Tower saw the North Tower collapse, he said, "I'm still standing."

"Dad? What's dark humor?" "See that man with no arms over there, son, tell him to clap." "But daddy, I'm blind."

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.

The rabbit says, "I think I'm a type-O."

"Just say NO to drugs!" Well, if I'm talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.

Michael Jackson has done something no one has ever done before. I'm not talking about his record sales or tickets sold.

I'm talking about being born a black man and dying a white woman. Incredible!

"I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now."

Some people say I like heights; others say I'm a daredevil.

In reality, I like killing myself.

My sister gives her hamster to my brother since she thinks I'm irresponsible, so I throw it out the window.

My only friend who actually cares: "Stop making suicide jokes, I’m really concerned!"

Me: Okay, I’ll cut it out.

I’m a cashier at a grocery store, and when I’m bored, I draw on my hands with a pen. Well, this guy walks up to me and says, “You know, I got mental illnesses from drawing on myself.”

And so, without thinking, I said, “Well, I’ve already got those, so I think I’m fine...” 😳 He looked concerned. Oops lol.

I'm sorry for all the fish puns. I feel so GILL-ty.

A white dude walks up to a Muslim and says, "So you're an Indian?" and the Muslim says, "No brotha, I'm not 7-Eleven, I'm 9/11."

I'm not gay, but fifty dollars is fifty dollars.

My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with pasta. -- I'm doing well, but I do get cannelloni.

I'm sweating like Michael Jackson at a kindergarten.

If I'm ugly, at least I'm not you.

So, Little Johnny comes home from school knowing damn well he messed up his math test. His mother and father get home and he tells them, "Mom, I failed my math test." His mother aggressively says, "Get the belt!" Johnny says, "Why?" His mother says, "I'm gonna spank you for failing!" Johnny says, "So just like daddy?" His father turns red knowing what they did last night.

I only believe in 12.5% of the bible. I'm an EIGTHeyist.

I'm a rapist.