Howe jokes
A guy bought an AMG and crashed it. Now he knows how the Mercedes bends.
I left Iran. Guess how? I ran!
How do you scare a bee?
Boo-bee!
How does Hellen Keller meet men?
She goes on blind dates.
I had a great day today because Allison was frustrated at her calculator and started banging it on the side of the table, and the teacher screamed, "Allison, how would you like it if I banged you on the table?"
Memes
How to catch Bigfoot: 1. Dig a large pit. 2. Build a fire in the pit and let it burn all the way to ashes. 3. Place small green peas all around the rim of the pit. 4. Hide in the bushes and wait. When Bigfoot goes to take a pea, kick him in the ash hole.
How come pizza boxes are square when the pizza is a circle cut into triangles?
How do our brains remember that we forgot something, but we can't remember what that thing was?
How many push-ups can Chuck Norris do?
All of them.
What’s the difference between how you watch porn and I watch porn?
The windows we watch through.
This is how big cats were named.
"I HATE BIG CATS. THAT ONE IS A LIAR, THAT ONE IS A CHEATER. THE ONE IS A POO-MA."
"Lion. Cheetah. Puma. You're getting a promotion."
How do you know a woman is blind?
Because she can’t see the kitchen or the laundry.
How is a priest like a wristwatch?
They both start at 12.
I’ve been munching away on these new Tic Tacs recently and honestly, they are really good.
It’s a little strange how they came in a bottle labeled “Ibuprofen” though, and really, I’m starting to feel a little sick. The bottle’s almost empty though, so it’s time to get some more!
How do rappers stay warm in the winter?
They drop FIRE TRACKS.
How do you tell whether you’ve satisfied a redhead?
She unlocks the handcuffs.
How do you make a dishwasher work again?
Smack her ass and say "get back to work!"
How do you get a slag from Dundee pregnant?
Spunk in the gutter and let the flies do the work...
How do you know that a woman is about to say something smart?
She starts the sentence with ‘a man once said.’
Two terrorists walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "What can I get you?"
The terrorists both say, "A beer."
The bartender overhears them talking about how they will kill 300 people and a donkey. The bartender says, "Why a donkey?"
One terrorist says, "See, I told you no one would care about the people!"