a man died with an erection. the three nurses in the morgue saw this the first nurse climbs on and rides him. the second nurse dose the same the third hesitates saying "i'm on my period." the others say its ok hes dead so she rides him to. when she's done he sits up and all the nurses ask how hes alive he replies i'm good to go after the two jumpstarts and blood transfusion
How do Mexicans feel about Trump's wall? -- They'll get over it.
How do trees get online? -- They just log in.
How did they know that Princess Diana had dandruff?
They found her head and shoulders in the glove compartment...
How does Moses prepare his tea? -- Hebrews it.
How do you get Wacko Jacko to screw a lightbulb?
Tell Jacko that the bulb is a 6-year-old boy.
Crush: "How much do you love me?"
Me: "Well, look at the stars outside."
Crush: "But it's morning."
Me: "Exactly."
I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I don't understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, "what's so sad?" and she said "What do you think was running through these kid's heads before they died?" I replied "probably a bullet". She gasped and said "do you have any idea how insensitive that is? What do you think is running through their parent's heads?" I said "probably all the money they're losing from this funeral."
A lot of people claim that white privilege does not exist. Well, how the hell do you explain Michael Jackson not being charged for raping children, despite ample evidence?
Person 1: You are the dumbest person in the class.
Person 2: Well, you're the second. Maybe, but at least I'm not the dumbest.
Person 2: I know how to fix that!
... Next day person commits suicide...
How do you make it hard for a rapist who is trying to rape you? Rub it.
A prisoner was told how he'll be executed. Needless to say, he was shocked.
I like my girls how I like my wine, 12 years locked in the basement.
My aunt's star sign was Cancer, pretty ironic how she died.
She was eaten by a giant crab.
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
By rearranging the furniture.
How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
How do you surprise a blind guy? Leave the plunger in the toilet.
When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.
A teacher asked his students a math question.
"You have one dollar. Your parents give you five dollars. How much money do you have?"
After some thinking, about half the class raised their hands. The teacher called on a little girl in the front.
"One dollar!" she said.
How do bitches talk about body positivity when they have no body to even be positive about?
