Himself jokes

So Jesus has been nailed to the cross.

On the first day, he starts to moan, "Peter, Peter!"

Well, Peter hears Jesus moaning and feels it is important, so begins to go up the hill. On his way, he is met by some Roman soldiers and they proceed to beat his ass back down the hill.

On the second day, Peter hears Jesus moaning again, "Peter, Peter!"

Peter thinks to himself, this is important. He heads up the hill, fights past the first line, but gets a beatdown by the second group and back down the hill he goes.

On the third day, Peter is woken up by Jesus sounding very weak, but calling out, "Peter, Peter!"

Peter feels that whatever it is that Jesus needs him for must be very important. Peter heads up the hill, he is on a mission. He manages to fight his way thru three sets of Roman guards and make his way to the cross Jesus has been nailed to for three days. He looks up to Jesus and says, "Jesus, I have heard your calls, what is so important?"

Jesus- "Peter, I can see your house from here!"

  • 5

    • What happened to the terrorist who tried to blow up a bus?

    He burnt himself on the exhaust pipe.

    Chuck Norris once ran all the way around the equator and kicked himself in the back.

    Three people explored the jungles, one was from France, one from Britain, and the other from America.

    While exploring, they were captured by the tribe living there. The tribesmen told the three, "You three have invaded our territory, so we must kill you and use your bodies to create canoes. However, we aren't that heartless, so we'll let you choose your deaths."

    So the French guy asked for a gun, pointed to his head, and said "Viva la France!" and shot himself. The Britain guy requested poison and said, "For the Queen!" and drank the poison. Lastly, the American asked for a spoon. The tribesmen were confused but still gave him the spoon. When the American got the spoon, he started stabbing himself, "Try make a canoe out of this one!"

  • 7

    • A man gets an email from his doctor.

    "Sorry for the delay on getting your prescription, it'll be at your house tomorrow."

    The man thinks to himself, "Oh shit! Then what have I been taking?"

  • 4

    • Why didn't Steven Hawkins get into fights?

    'Cause he couldn't stand up for himself.

    When the emo kid hangs himself and the autistic kid thinks that it's a piñata... BATTER UP TO THE PLATE!

  • 4

    • Why does Adam go hockey, you might ask?

    In my opinion, he shouldn't go because he is bad, but he needs the armor to protect himself from his own step-dad.

    Why does Adam buy airsoft guns, you might ask?

    To defend himself against his own father... his life must be shit.

    When Stephen Hawking died, he saw the stairway to Heaven.

    He thought to himself, "Oh God, this is awkward!"

    A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, who name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mother.

    Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds: "They're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

  • 0

    • This gay guy was so happy with his new boyfriend that he took him to his favorite gay bar.

    An hour or so goes by, then the new flame says, "I just LOVE this place, everyone is so nice, food is great, but what's up with the monkey way down there?"

    His friend says "OK, watch this." He goes up behind the chimp and smacked him in back of its head. The monkey jumped off the stool, pulls down his zipper, and gives him head. When finished, the chimp took a napkin, cleaned himself, pulled up his zipper, then jumped back to his chair.

    He walked back to his new gay friend and said, "What do you think of that?"

    "MAN, I seen some amazing things, but never like that!" His squeeze said, "Wanna give it a try?"

    "I sure do, JUST DON'T hit me as hard as you hit that monkey."