So, a man was on a ledge ready to kill himself because he got laid off at work and his girlfriend cheated on him. He was about to jump until he saw from a mountainside a little guy with no arms dancing around. So he thought, "Maybe my life ain't so bad." So he went to the mountainside. "Thank you," he said, "I was gonna jump off a bridge and kill myself until I saw you dancing, even though you have no arms. Dancing?" the armless man said bitterly, "My asshole itches and I can't scratch it."
You meet the guy who invented 0, what do you tell him? Thanks for nothing!
Who works at IHOP? A girl with one leg.
P1: Why did the chicken cross the road?
P2: To get to the other side DUH?!?
P1: No dumbass, it's to get run over because he has depression, a chronic illness, and his father left him for a good for nothing pimp that doesn’t even give a shit about how he feels. (Kinda like me).
P2: Holy shit are u ok? *Some random eavesdropping fucker dials 911 in a hurry*
There was a man. He came home with his friends from the bar and man was he ever wasted! Their friends made sure to get him home safely. The next morning, he woke up and found blood all over his nightstand. He called his friends and asked for his alarm clock back.
An orphan went up to Nikola Tesla and asked to travel in time. He then saw his parents put him in a building, saying, "You now live here!"
If my cat were a cactus, doesn't that make him the catus?
If my cat was a cactus, doesn't that make him a catus?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
The chicken next to him farted.
Adding a "gl" in front of "camping" doesn't make it any better.
If you add a "gl" in front of "Adolf Hitler," it doesn't make him a great guy.
My husband told me to make him a sandwich. I was looking online for some comebacks. Someone online said, "You better come back with a goddamn sandwich!"
An old woman goes to the doctor complaining of extremely smelly gas.
"I don't understand it, Doc," she said, "I have this terrible, terrible gas." "Thankfully," she added, "they are at least silent when I fart."
Doctor hands her a bottle of pills, tells her take them all and then come back to see him.
The old woman returned a short time later extremely mad. "I took those pills like you said and not only is my gas smelly, but now when I fart they are obnoxiously loud!", she yelled.
The doctor said, "well, now that we've solved your hearing problem, let's see what we can do about that gas".
A person walks into the bar and said, "Hey barman, get my son a drink and tell him his dad is dead."
Who said that?
what does the egg do after the pan told him an joke?
- he cracked up
A boy was following me for 8 years, even into the stall. I finally told him I’m not gay.
A man once ate the left side of a person. One guy watching asked if the guy he was eating was okay. The man eating him said, "No... it's okay, he's all right now."
Instead of walking through the door, the owner of the house broke in through the window.
When he came out, a man standing on the sidewalk walked up to him and asked why he hadn't just walked through the door. The owner responded, "I'm pollo vegetarian, and I really just wanted a bit of food."
When the man looked confused, the owner said, "Windows are nature's vending machine."
I was asking people who knew Trump if he would win a second term. Stormy said, "No way, he doesn't have two in him!"
A guy was on trial for murder, and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.
After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's house, told him what a great job he had done, and paid him the $10,000.
The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all thought he was not guilty and wanted to let him go.
An unfortunate accident happened at the Nestlè factory. A man named Joe was seriously injured because a box of chocolates fell on him. Every time he said, "The chocolates are on me!" everyone cheered.
why didn't the Japanese guy a high five? logan paul left him hanging
