HI jokes

Attended my boss's funeral to pay my respects. On my way out, I leaned over his casket and whispered lightly, "Well, look who's thinking outside the box now."

My son is such a miserable brat, I bought him a brand new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.

A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating."

The man looks aghast and says, "Oh my God, doc, why?!"

The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."

Why was the rapper cold in the recording studio?

Because his bars were ice.

Why is the older brother's kid brother that has autism always performing fellatio on his older brother?

Because he wants to find out how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.

Why did the dwarf laugh when he walked on the field?

The grass was tickling his balls.

So recently I hit an orphan with a 2x4, and he started crying. What's he gonna do? Tell his family? XD

Friend: Hi!

Me: Who are you?

Friend: ...your friend?

Me: What are you talking about? The doctor already said I couldn’t have any.

I saw a kid crying, sitting on the sidewalk, and I asked him where his parents were. He then cried even more. God, I love working at the orphanage.

It’s amazing just how paranoid Hitler was.

In Hitler’s Germany, it was illegal to make jokes about him or his regime.

Come on! Forbidding Germans from making jokes? Isn’t that a bit like forbidding Americans from eating salad?

Teddy’s got a man in his Fanny.

"I work with animals," a guy says to his date.

"That's so sweet," she replies. "I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?"

"I'm a butcher," he replies.

How did a man know his wife died?

Dishis start piling up.

A hunter shot holes into his favorite book.

When confronted, he said it was the "holey" Bible!

Imagine a white van. Now imagine a white guy in the driver seat with a sombrero on and his arm out the window, and on the side of the van it says "Free Candy." But there's blood all over the van and a dead clown in the back.

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

"Where's my tractor!"

If hi = hi?

Why couldn't the carrot go to his friend's house?

Because he was grounded.

My dog got mad at me for touching his toy. He said, "Get your paws off my toy!"

Why did the steward not receive his passport? Because his face was not valid!