Hes jokes
30 people died in a car wreck before they got to Heaven. God asked for one wish because they died in a tragic way. The first lady, she was obsessed with her looks, so she asked to be beautiful and God granted her wish. The next person didn't know what to wish for, so they wished for the same thing. The guy in the very back was laughing, having a grand old time. Then God got to the person before the last. He said the same, he wished to be beautiful. When God got to the last person, he said, "I want them all to be ugly again."
What is David Bowie known for when making music? He gets his beats from his kids.
What do you call your daughter's boyfriend when he brings her back past 10pm?
An ambulance.
Stephen could not click the "I'm not a robot" button, so I guess he is fucked.
Why does the disabled person scrunch his toilet paper up? Because that’s the way he rolls.
Riddle: A man killed his wife in his car with a knife, and no one could see him. He threw the body out of the car and threw the knife off a cliff. When he got home, the cops called the man and told him his wife was dead and to come to the scene of the crime. The man agreed and rushed to the scene. When he got there, the cops immediately arrested him. Why?
ANSWER: The cops never said where the scene of the crime is.
Why couldn't the man get out of the maize maze?
He got corn-ered!
Did you hear how Stephen Hawking died? He lost WiFi connection.
Why can't an orphan play baseball?
Because he can't find his parents.
A lumberjack goes to a person's house.
Then he realized the tree was too big and was stumped and had to leaf.
What did the kid with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves!
Just kidding, he hasn’t opened it yet.
An old Indian was buried on the side of a hill. What did he say?
Nothing, he was dead.
Three Indians get captured by an enemy leader, and the leader says, "Go in the woods and find 10 fruits of the same kind."
The first one comes back with apples. The enemy leader says, "Shove them up your butt and don't make a sound, or I will kill you." He gets to two and yells. The leader kills him. He goes up to heaven.
The second guy comes back and has grapes. He gets to 9 and laughs. The leader kills him. He goes to heaven.
The first guy asks the second guy why he laughed, saying he had it in the bag. The second guy said he saw the third guy carrying pineapples.
What do you call a best friend that smokes weed?
A pothead. Just because he's your friend, you don't have to support his poor decisions. Jeez, what has America come to?
The weirdest thing happened yesterday. My dad came back from work... He’s a suicide bomber.
Q: Why can't skeletons go to the dance?
A: He doesn't have the guts for it.
A blind comedian walks into a room, or did he? Dun, dun, dun!
My blind son got hit by a car when he was riding his new bike. He should have been paying attention.
I told my dad to get me a packet of cigarettes, he never came back.
AND I still didn't get my FUCKING CIGARETTES!
So you can't pay rent and you know you're going to get evicted, but all of the sudden you hear a knock on your door and it's your landlord, but he's naked and erect, and on his cock, it says, "Your rent is due."