Herring jokes

I just got off the phone with Kristen Stewart yesterday. She said I was invited to her cookout this Friday. I said I'll come by and bring some drinks, like wine, beer, and liquor, so we can get our freak on all night and drink some cherry wine until daybreak ends.

Why does Megan sound like a man, but she is a good singer and rapper, but then people talk about her? What's y'all rapper are singer?

Why doesn't the witch wear panties?

To get a better grip on her broom stick!

Angelina Jolie was married to Brad Pitt...

Does that make her a "Brad Nailer", and him a "Jolie Jumper"?

What's the difference between me calling my girlfriend a pedophile and her calling me one?

Oh wait, I am because she's 10.

My therapist said, "Time heals all wounds," so I cut her.

Your momma is so slutty, they hired her as a condom tester.

My girlfriend broke up with me, so I decided to take her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

So your wife has died, and now she is marginally better in bed than before.

If you really want to get her to wiggle, simply add maggots.

What do you call 3 orphan girls in a tornado?

All of her twist.

My girlfriend asked me to hand her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

I saw a girl with blond hair. She was sexy and beautiful. I thought she was the most hottest girl I ever saw, so I ran up to her feeling hot.

Yo mama so ugly when she looked in the mirror, her reflection threw up and ran away.

Okay, what do you call that purple thing in your mom's top dresser drawer that she calls her best best friend for some weird reason?

Dad better look out from Bob, battery-operated boyfriend, hahaha!

"Yo mama so fat when she got buried it took them all the trees on Earth for her coffin."

Yo mama so hot that even Sodapop Curtis flirts with her.

Yo mama is so ugly that not even the Socs wanted to jump her.

Yo mama is so evil that Dallas Winston fell in love with her.

Me when my girlfriend comes home, I check her phone and there are 100 texts from a different guy asking her out, and her text says yes.

Get the whip, you're out!

I wondered why there was red all over my bathroom til I found out that my sis had dyed her hair red. Man, it looked like somebody died in there! Lol.