Herring jokes

I just got off the phone with Kristen Stewart yesterday. She said I was invited to her cookout this Friday. I said I'll come by and bring some drinks, like wine, beer, and liquor, so we can get our freak on all night and drink some cherry wine until daybreak ends.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

Why does Megan sound like a man, but she is a good singer and rapper, but then people talk about her? What's y'all rapper are singer?

Why doesn't the witch wear panties?

To get a better grip on her broom stick!

Angelina Jolie was married to Brad Pitt...

Does that make her a "Brad Nailer", and him a "Jolie Jumper"?

What's the difference between me calling my girlfriend a pedophile and her calling me one?

Oh wait, I am because she's 10.

Yo mama so fat, she has her own gravitational pull.

Yo mama so thick, they need an aircraft carrier to take her places.

How do you embarrass a female archaeologist?

Give her a used tampon and ask which period it came from.

Yo mama is so fat that her belt size is the equator.

Yo mama so fat, when I swerved to miss her, I ran out of gas.

Yo mama so stupid, she put airbags on her computer in case it crashed.

Your mama is so stupid, she put a ruler under her pillow to measure how long she slept.

Yo mama is so fat, the doctor asked for her weight, she told her phone number.

Yo mama so fat that when she went on the scale, it showed her phone number.

I said, "Are you half left or half right?"

"Neither! In-between."

"What?! In between your mom's tits when you go to sleep with her at night?"

The best news about a pretty girl with special needs is that you can get her to do exactly what you want her to do.

I mean, she probably thinks receiving oral is like 100% blood sausage coming right at her.

I was lying on the living room carpet the other day with my girlfriend on top of me in wings and a tutu, making out.

I called her the Fallen Angel.

Your mum's vagina is so ravenous, that last night we both ended up on the living room floor, with her on top. She was eating my creamy young face off.

My friend was getting bullied so I went over and asked him to stop. It went a little bit like this:

Me: Dude, leave her alone. Him: Beat it, b*tch. *lots of arguing and swearing* Me: Ya know! The smartest thing that ever came outta your mouth was probably a penis. Him: *walks away*