Herring jokes

My wife accused me of cheating. I told her she started to sound like my wife.

My daughter is super smart! She pours her own drinks on the floor.

I work at a bank and an old woman asked me to check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

Yo mama is so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.

Yo mama so old, she walked into an antique store, and they didn't let her leave.

Yo mama's so ugly that Sonic needed to go fast to get away from her face.

Yo mama so ugly, just after she was born, her mother said, "What a treasure!" and her father said, "Yes, let's go bury it."

Yo mama so dumb, when the doctor told her she had coronavirus, she bought a new laptop.

What’s the difference a hooker an a drug dealer...?? A hooker can wash her crack an resell it.

A wife asks her husband: Am I pretty or ugly?

The husband answers her: Pretty.

The wife responds: Thank yo-

The husband interrupts her: Pretty ugly!

Yo mama is so fat that when she put on a yellow dress, people called her "taxi."

One day an old woman came into the bank and asked me to check her balance... So, I pushed her over.

Yo momma is so ugly, Slenderman runs from her.

It's also why he has no eyes.

Why did Mrs. Henderson get a divorce from her husband, Harry?

She was tired of everyone calling the family "Hairy" and the Hendersons.

Your mama so old, her first Christmas was the first Christmas!

Yo mama so fat you can see her from 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 galaxies away!

What’s the worst thing about having a daughter with cancer? You can’t pull on her hair.

The police officer in London, who used fake Covid rules to arrest a young woman, drive her more than 50 miles out of London in a hire car, murder her, and do whatever to her, has appealed against his Whole Life tariff.

He should be relieved it was only that! Could've been worse... could've married her!

My mom telling me the brief history of the blanket and how she received it from her cousin. (⁠ ⁠╹⁠▽⁠╹⁠ ⁠)

Me sitting anxiously in place pretending to be amazed by the story, and reacting with kind cheerfulness and a big smile. (⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)

All I can actually think about: "I m@sturbated under it- aaaaaah" ಠ⁠◡⁠ಠ

I still remember the third of December, me in your sweater. You said it looked better on me than it did you. Only if you knew how much I liked you. But I watch your eyes as she walks by. What a sight for sore eyes, Brighter than the blue sky. She's got you mesmerized while I die. Why would you ever kiss me? I'm not even half as pretty. You gave her your sweater, it's just polyester, But you like her better. Wish I were Heather. Watch as she stands with her, holding your hand. Put your arm 'round her shoulder, now I'm getting colder. But how could I hate her, she's such an angel. But then again, kinda wish she were dead as she walks by. What a sight for sore eyes. Brighter than the blue sky. She's got you mesmerized while I die. Why would you ever kiss me? I'm not even half as pretty. You gave her your sweater, it's just polyester, But you like her better. I wish I were Heather. Oh, I wish I were Heather. Oh, oh, wish I were Heather. Why would you ever kiss me? I'm not even half as pretty. You gave her your sweater, it's just polyester, But you like her better. Wish I were-