Herring jokes
A wife was cleaning her 12-year-old son’s bedroom when she found a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asked her husband, “What do we do?”
The husband said, “I’m no expert, but I wouldn’t fucking spank him.”
Once my girlfriend asked me to give her lipstick, and I accidentally gave her the glue stick.
She won't talk to me anymore.
Why didn’t the grape 🍇 leave her family?
Because she loved raisin' kids!
I broke up with my girlfriend and stole her wheelchair.
Guess who likes vegetables now?
What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable?
Putting her back in the wheelchair when you're done.
How do you give an "Alabama Girl" a nice compliment?
Answer: You say to her, "Hey, NICE TOOTH!"
Stacy: Honey, I'm kinda new to texting, what does lol mean?
Justin: I'm not sure, "lots of love," I guess.
Margaret: Stacy, are you there? I don't know if you heard, but Amber and her three kids were killed in a car crash this morning. I'm in total shock!
Stacy: lol
Why did the blonde have sex with the Mexican?
Because her teacher told her she had to do an essay.
Your mom is so fat that the photographer had to go to the moon just to click the photo of her belly button.
"Hola, soy Dora. Do you see the cliff? Say, "backpack." Tell her that we need Amanda. While I push her off the cliff, you will not peek. Did you just peek? Close your eyes, you silly goose." The end.
How did Helen Keller dance? Very Bad.
How did Helen Keller draw? With her hand.
I was in the corner shop and the Indian woman was sporting a red dot on her forehead. I scratched it off and won a fucking Ford Focus!
What's black and white and can't turn around in a corridor?
A nun with a javelin through her neck.
Yo mama so stupid, she ate the Apple phone you gave her.
In Boston we say,
"Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high, unzipped his fly and said ‘Hey Jill, you wanna?’ Jill said yes, unzipped her dress, and then they had a ‘daughta’" 🤣
Why did the white girl come back from Africa?
Because there was no water for her to drink. I'm black.
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Fuck her hahaha 🤣
Yo mama so fat, she could fly a hot air balloon by letting out her gas.
The other day my wife told me to pass her her lipstick, but I accidently passed her a glue stick... she still isn't talking to me.
Yo mama so fat, her cereal bowl has a lifeguard.