Her jokes
A man needs to leave for a lengthy business trip, but his wife is saddened by this. She explains to him that if he isn’t home every night, there will be no way to satisfy herself if she feels horny. The man claims that she doesn’t need sex, because a dildo should work just fine.
He quickly runs to the local gift shop and asks the cashier if the store carries anything really special. The cashier quietly pulls out an old box and removes a wooden penis from inside. The cashier states that the dildo has been passed down in his family for generations and was crafted by a witch deep within the Amazon jungle. The cashier sits up in his chair and shouts, “Voodoo Dick, the door!”
The wooden penis flies across the room and begins to rapidly thrust itself in and out of the front door keyhole. “Voodoo Dick, the lamp!” The wooden penis flies up inside of the lamp on the cashier’s desk and, once again, begins to thrust in and out. “Voodoo Dick, return to your box!” The wooden penis flies back into the box, and the cashier closes the lid.
The man chooses to buy the wooden penis, and just as he is about to leave, the cashier tells him a very important bit of information regarding the Voodoo Dick: “The cursed dildo can only be controlled through verbal commands, it is far too powerful to be moved by hand,” says the cashier. “You must never forget that!”
The man nods and heads home.
Later that day, the man explains to his wife how the sex toy works, and then leaves for his trip.
A few days later, the wife becomes very horny and opens up the box. She proceeds to shout, “Voodoo Dick, my pussy!” The dildo zooms into her vagina and pleasures her for roughly 6-8 hours. She soon begins to grow tired and attempts to pull the dildo out of her. She pulls as hard as she can but just can’t get it out. The wife panics and begins driving to the hospital with the wooden penis still inside of her vagina. A police officer pulls her over for speeding and asks to see some identification. The wife exclaims, “Help, help, there is a Voodoo Dick inside of my vagina and it won’t come out!”
The officer raises an eyebrow in disbelief.
“Voodoo Dick my ass, bitch.”
Two old Indian ladies out picking potatoes, one lady stops, staring at this huge potato, turning it round and round.
The other old lady says to her, "What are you doing?" She says, "These potatoes remind me of my husband's nuts."
She says, "Oh my, are they really that big?" She said, "No, they're that dirty. lololol"
I know a girl in a wheelchair. I realize now why she couldn’t do sports because the coaches wanted 100% from her, but she was only able to give 50%.
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as an altar boy.
How did Helen Keller's mom punish her? She put her in a circular room and told her to find the corner.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
She forgot to put her seatbelt on.
So my ex invited me to dinner with her new boyfriend.
Her boyfriend said "Hi."
I said, "Knife to meet you!"
Yo mama so fat, when she plays Undertale, Omega Flowey's mouth isn't big enough to eat her!
Yo mama so stupid, when I told her she needed some cats, she came back with...
CRASH, ARENA, TURBO STARS!
Why did the blondie put her iPad in the blender? To make apple juice.
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex, sex, sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas, and it's still printing.
When Sara gets naked in the shower, she turns her taps on :)
Why did Sally fail her final exam?
Because she had nothing written down.
Why did Sarah fall off a skyscraper?
Because she made her dad mad.
What turns a girl on more than having sex with her?
When she finds out that you have a vibrator too.
Yesterday, my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson, I said, "Just for that, you don't get any butter for a month."
Today in the kitchen, she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try!"
I didn’t know if she was anorexic or not, so I tossed her an onion ring to see if she would eat it or use it as a hula hoop.
Yo mama so old the carpenter uses her crotch as sandpaper.
There's an old lady doing gardening every year. Nothing grows. She goes to the man who lives next door. She says, "How do you get your tomatoes so big and red?" He tells her, "You show them your privates at night time." So she leaves. That night later, she goes outside and shows the garden her privates. The next day she's got zucchinis a meter long!