New Habit Jokes

My dad told me he only drinks on days that start with a "T":

Tuesday, Thursday, today, tomorrow.

"Talking about childhood habits, my friend told me he still collects coins and post stamps and all. He asked me, I said - breastfeeding."

With numerous reports of Donald Trump's odor and Kelly Clarkson's lack of hygienic habits... proof that money doesn't buy cleanliness.

How do the Powerpuff Girls vape?

They take a "power puff."

I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

Why do girls rub their eyes after they wake up in the morning? because they don't have balls to scratch.

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.

All I wanna do is *gunshots* *gunshots* *gunshots* and *click* *cash register noise*, unlearn years of trauma and maintain healthy habits and fulfilling relationships while learning how to have solid boundaries and a whole sense of self.

Go on the quintillionaire morning routine now!

1. Wake up. 2. Take a shit. 3. Eat. 4. Get out of bed. 5. Have breakfast.

You're the type of person to wash your hands after a shower.

Why do crack heads like to do it doggy style?

So one can peep out window and one can peep on floor.

Why did Sally stare out the window for 24 hours straight?

Sally's used to being blind!

I watch gay porn.

What's white and black and red all over? A nun that fell down stairs.

I don’t drink, don’t swear, don’t smoke, shit, I left my cigarettes at the fucking bar! (Andrew Dice Clay.)

What is the difference between cremation and smoking?

While you are smoking, you don't go up in smoke.

In what ways do nuns and hoes have something in common?

They both worship on their knees. They are both creatures of habit. They both take vows of poverty and obedience. Once chosen, neither can leave the life. They both swallow their hosts.