Guys jokes

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A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, “Hey mister, it’s getting really dark and I’m scared.” The man replies, “How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.”

Three citizens were going through an exam to become agents of the FBI. Their instructor handed the first guy a gun in a room with his wife and said he had to shoot her. He walked out in shame and said he couldn't do it. The second guy had the same scenario. He put the gun up, but couldn't pull the trigger, so he walked out in shame. The third guy was put in the same scenario. He walked out and told the instructor, "The gun wasn't loaded, I had to strangle the bitch."

Friend #1: "Yo guys, what's the most unfair game you've ever played? For me it's Fortnite."

Friend #2: "I'd have to say Monopoly."

Me: "The most unfair game you say? Life, definitely. Like, no one wins, it's a one-way game."

Friend #2: "Uhh...that's not exactly what he meant..."

Friend #1: *calls the suicide hotline*

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost.

So as they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren’t that crazy so we will let you choose how you die."

The man from France said, "Bring me the poison." The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun." And the man from New York said, "Bring me a gun as well!"

The guy was confused but still brought the items and gave them to them. The guy from France said, “For the France!” and drank the poison and died. The man from Britain said, “Long live the queen!” and shot himself and died. And the man from New York started shooting and laughing like a mad man and said. 3 men lived through this and one said to the others, "Well...sh!# that didn't go as planned."

You don't usually see strap-hangers carrying newspapers these days.

But one guy with the New York Times is seen getting on a crowded F Train. He notices a single seat not taken. Suspicious, he gets closer and sniffs it out. The seat is discolored but dry. Throwing caution to the winds, he removes a section from the paper and sets it down to buffer the spot from his behind. He sits down, stretches his feet and yells out: "Try sitting on your smartphones, suckers!"

Two guys were walking down the street, and one of the guys told his friend he could talk any blond in the world into giving him a blowjob, any blond!

So the guy bet him 20 bucks and pointed to this cute blond sitting on the side of the road and said, "Alright, let's see it!"

The other guy walks up to the cutie and says, "Hi, my name's Dave, and my doctor just told me that if I didn't get a blowjob from a blond within three hours, the disease I have will kill me in, oh, let's see now, 22 minutes!"

She looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said, "You mean I could save you from dying right now?" Then she says, "Pull it out!"

Ten minutes later, the two men were laughing and patting old Dave on the back when his friend noticed the blond sitting in the alley bawling her eyes out!

So he walks over to her and says, "I would have thought you would be so happy for saving my friend's life?!"

So she looks up at him just crying her eyes out even worse and says, "I could have saved my dad!"

Three guys walk into a bar: one Asian, one American, one Black.

A girl walks in and says if all three of your D*** sizes don't add up to 12 inches, I will shoot you.

First comes the American with 3 inches, then the Black man with 8.

It totals out to 11 and they look at the Asian and say "Oh no."

He comes to 1 inch to top off the twelve.

She walks away and says ok.

The Asian says, "You're lucky she was hot, so I had a boner!"

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    • A guy saw a person with a duck and said, "Where did you get a pig?"

    The owner replied, "It's not a pig, dummy!"

    The random guy said, "I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the duck."

    If you take a cap off a bottle, is it decapitation?

    Sorry guys, I tried. I tried harder this time. I'll try again. Sorry, I can't delete things.

    Hi, I...

    Sorry, my cat touched my computer. I don't know how to delete.

    The joke is that if you take a cap off a bottle, is it decapitation?

    Sorry guys, it's a hard word to spell.

    A man is out west driving and on the edge of town comes across a tourist stand and sitting in front is an Indian chief right out of central casting. Dour look, full headdress, a glass jar and a sign that says "Indian chief know all! $5". So the fellow's curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the chief, puts $5 in the jar and asks "What did I have for breakfast on this day 10 years ago?" Chief taps his chin for a moment and says "Hmmm eggs. You had eggs!"

    "Eggs?" shouts the guy "Everybody has eggs! I've been had!" throws his hands in the air and leaves in a huff.

    Ten years on, as fate would have it the fellow has occasion to be driving through the same town and sure enough he comes across the same stand, Indian chief, sign, and jar. So he stops the car and saunters across the road, goes up to the chief like a smart-ass, holds up his hand and says "How". Chief taps his chin for a moment and says "Poached."

    I was taking a walk near the prison when I saw a good looking guy climbing down the fence, and when he noticed me, he gave me a sneer! It was pretty condescending.

    The two biggest dyslexic guy lies: "My check is in your mouth," and "I won't come in your mailbox."

    A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a funny joke." So the guy replies, "A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a funny joke." So the guy replies, "A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a funny joke." So the guy replies, "A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a funny joke." So the guy replies, "A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a funny joke." So the guy replies, "A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a funny joke." So the guy replies, "A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a funny joke." So the guy replies, "A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a funny joke." So the guy replies, "A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a funny joke." So the guy replies, "A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a funny joke." So the guy replies, "A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a funny joke." So the guy replies, "A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a funny joke." So the guy replies, "A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a funny joke." So the guy replies, "A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a funny joke." So the guy replies, "A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a funny joke." So the guy replies, "A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a funny joke." So the guy replies, "A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a funny joke." So the guy replies, "A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a funny joke." So the guy replies, "A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a funny joke." So the guy replies, "A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a funny joke." So the guy replies, "A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a funny joke." So the guy replies, "A guy walks into a bar..."" The bartender says, "Just stop and take your fucking drink!"

    There were 3 guys in detention called Zip, Willy, and Pee, and they were all being naughty. The teacher came in and said, "Zip down, Willy out, Pee in the corner."

    What do you call a guy with a big dick that likes to eat fish?

    Long John Silvers or Captain D's.