God's Will Jokes

Scratches on an icy road and kills 50 people on the bus, and when they get to Heaven, God feels so bad for them and grants them all one wish.

The first lady in the line was always worried about her looks, so she wished to be beautiful, and the guy behind her couldn’t think of what to wish about, so he also wished to be beautiful. This kept on going, but the guy at the end of the line started to laugh. When he got to God, God says, “What is your one wish, my son?” He said, “I wish you can make them all ugly again.”

Life isn't about pleasing yourself and that you have to do things for the sole benefit of God.

It’s like masturbation. Sometimes it’s not getting yourself off, but getting someone else off too. That’s what thighjobs are for.

God made Adam and Eve have sex right out the gate.

Then he made teenagers horny... yet here we are with a so-called "rise in teen pregnancy."

Why did God create sex for marriage?

Because he wanted more people and less fun.

Abortion is wrong because God wanted the baby to be alive.

Miscarriages are okay because God did not want the baby to be alive.

Have you seen my uncle?

Jesus: I have.

God: Me too.

If we can't say "God" in vain, why does He get to?

God, you're more toxic than white phosphorus.

God sent a kid to the principal's office for giving a blind kid sunglasses and said, "Don't let the sun damage your eyes!"

If I was God, my parents would be anesthetists.

What did God say when he created the first black person?

"Behold, this specimen of divine integrity!"

"OH MY GOD! IT SPEAKS!"

What is God’s favorite candy?

Jesus Pieces.

Roses Are red, violets Are blue, i prey god im not so ugly as you.

roses are red violets blue i thank god im not as ugly as you

Race car backwards is race car, but if you turn race car sideways, that’s how Paul Walker got sent to God’s inbox.

If you have an Autistic child, don't worry. Put your trust in God and pray it gets kidnapped.

A man was almost about to drown. A boat said, "Do you need help?" And he said no.

After the boat left, another boat came to the sea, and they asked if he needed help, and he said no.

And he asked God, "Why didn't you help me?"

God said, "I sent you two big boats, you dummy!"

Life is karma... because I was born, God gifted me with social awkwardness, sh*t athletic skills, and stupidity.

God, I love telling children their parents love them, but only on April Fools'. They're orphans, after all.