Your mama is so fat.
She steps on the scales. She has to return in a couple days to get the results.
Every time someone calls me fat I get so depressed I cut myself...
A piece of cake.
You know you’re getting fat when you sit in the bath, and the water in the bath rises.
Why did the man get fired from the calendar factory?
He only took a day off.
My brother goes into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me 12 beers and a shot of whiskey." The bartender says, "That's a lot of alcohol." My brother says, "I'm celebrating my first blowjob." The bartender said, "Let me buy you a drink." My brother said, "No, this should be enough to get the taste out of my mouth."
My dad just found out and told my mom about one of their friends, Chad, who just murdered his wife, Claire. After doing that, he turned the gun on himself and committed suicide right after.
My mom's reply: "Jesus, Chad will do anything to get out of cleaning his mess, won't he?"
Teacher: Jeff, why did you throw a paper plane at the twins?
Jeff: You wouldn't get it, miss.
Me: "Hey, get my joke on that timeline."
Her: "No."