Did you know that dogs started the street craps game?
Gambling Jokes
What do me and a casino machine have in common? It takes about 50 pumps to get to the jackpot.
If you give a prostitute money, you will go to jail, but if you give a prostitute a Klondike bar, you will not go to jail. I would rather go to the casino and get more money for my buck.
My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette. Blew his mind.
What do a blackjack dealer and my uncle have in common?
They both hit me face down on the table.
Why do Indians gamble so much? They are hoping to one day reclaim their land.
Why did the hobo go back to the future?
To stop himself from wasting all his money on a rigged casino machine.
I recently got kicked out of a casino because I apparently misunderstood what the craps table was for.
My life is a lot like a game of Black Jack.
I always hit on 16, then get busted.
JACK smoked some shit in the casino bathroom.
Then fucked a slut, played some slots, took some shots, then shot a JOKER!
It's a sad story, because JACK killed himself, but he died with a smile.
The king took a shit on the craps table at the casino.
Why don’t they play poker in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs.
A guy walks into a butcher's shop and says, "Sir, are you a gambling man?"
The butcher says, "Why yes, as a matter of fact, I am."
"Then I'll bet you $25 you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging over your head right there."
The butcher thinks for a moment and says, "I'm sorry, I won't take that bet."
The guy says, "But I thought you said you were a gambling man."
"I am. But the steaks are too high."
Why are orphans bad at poker?
They don't know what a full house is.
What do you call a cow grazing a field with 50% grass and 50% weed?
High steaks gambling.
Women are like blackjack. I’m trying for 21, but I always hit on 14.
Girls are like blackjack; you shoot for 21, but I keep hitting 14.
A man walks into a bar and notices a steak hanging from the ceiling. When he asks the bartender about it, the bartender says, "If you can jump up and hit it, drinks are on the house for the night, but if you miss, everyone's drinks are on your tab for the next two hours. Do you want to try?" The man decided not to take the risk. He thought the steaks were too high.
The IRS came to this man's house one day and told him to come in the next morning to talk about all the money that's been coming in and out of his bank account. So the man thought, "Maybe I need to get a lawyer." So he and his lawyer get to the IRS's office and sit down, and the agent said, "There has been a large amount of money flowing in and out of your account, and we wanted to know if you knew anything about it." The man says, "Yes, I do. I'm a gambler." The agent says, "You gamble with that much money?" The man says, "Yes, I'll give you an example. Alright, I bet you $5,000 that I can bite my left eye." Agent says, "Alright, deal." The man takes out his fake eye and bites it. Then the agent says, "That's not fair." The man says, "I'll let you get your money back, or even more. I bet you $7,500 I can bite my right eye." The agent, thinking, "I didn't see him come in with a guide dog or a stick," so the agent says, "Deal." The man takes out his false teeth and bites his right eye. The agent then says, "That's not fair." The man replies, "Alright, I have another one. You're down $12,500. I'll bet you $15,000, if you put that waste basket on the other side of the room, I can stand by your desk and piss across the room into the waste basket and not get a drop anywhere." The agent says, "That's impossible, you've got a deal." The man starts peeing and pees all over his desk, and the agent says, "I got you!" He's laughing and happy that he finally beat him, but then the lawyer has his hand on his face, and the agent asked, "What's wrong with you?" and the lawyer replies, "The man bet me $100,000 he could piss on your desk, and you'd just love it."
5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.
