Gambling jokes
Why are orphans bad at poker?
Because they don't know what a full house is!
Girls are like blackjack; you shoot for 21, but I keep hitting 14.
Women are like blackjack. I’m trying for 21, but I always hit on 14.
Why are orphans bad at poker?
They don't know what a full house is.
Why do Indians gamble so much? They are hoping to one day reclaim their land.
Life is like a game of poker, guys start by going with them clubs, ladies follow with a set of hearts, guys put down the diamonds, and before you know it you got a full house.
Why did the hobo go back to the future?
To stop himself from wasting all his money on a rigged casino machine.
In the beginning of the 20th century, a young girl called Edit left her home country of Sweden and crossed the Ocean to make a new life in America. Unfortunately, it did not go all that well, and she soon found herself homeless, begging for food or money to survive.
She used to occupy a street next to a theater, not because it meant hefty handouts, but because it was a place where no other beggars or police bothered her. Every night, a new crowd came to see a show, and the cute young girl found just enough mercy to survive. In fact, she did so well that she decided to afford herself a small piece of cake every Tuesday, just to keep her spirits up.
One Tuesday, she could not get a break. Looked like she will go without cake this week. Then, a strange-looking gentleman stopped near her. He soon heard her story and decided to share his fortune.
Gentleman: "I work as a magician in the touring show; today, we performed here. Some nights, our guests want to gamble with us afterwards, and I make sure to bring home more than I came with. I try to keep it moderate, but today, this obnoxious drunk was loaded, so I emptied his pockets. Here, take this precious coin."
My wife and children are leaving me over my obsession with horse racing.
And they're off!
My life is a lot like a game of Black Jack.
I always hit on 16, then get busted.
I got kicked outta the poker game.
They said I was a little cheetah.
True fact: Five out of six people think Russian roulette is safe.
(Russian roulette is a game where you put 1 bullet in a pistol that has 6 chambers; each person spins it and tries not to land on the bullet to find out if you got the bullet or not. You point the gun at yourself and pull the trigger.)
Why aren't orphans good at poker?
Because they don't know what a "full home" is!
Why did the cheetah get kicked out of poker?
'Cause he was a cheetah.
The king took a shit on the craps table at the casino.
What did the adopted poker player say?
"Will you raise me?"
What is the state of California best for? Screwing everything up!
What is the state of Florida for? Rednecks for days!
What is the state of Texas for? Guns!
What is the state of Utah for? Mormons and Pligs baby! (I hate all of the religious stuff!)
What is the state of Idaho for? Calling other people Ho's, mostly!
What is the state of Nevada for? Ever heard of gambling?
What is the state of Delaware for? Literally anything that isn't exciting!
What is the state of New York for? In my state of mind, it's a song! (If you don't get this one, look up the song of New York State of Mind)
A guy walks into a butcher's shop and says, "Sir, are you a gambling man?"
The butcher says, "Why yes, as a matter of fact, I am."
"Then I'll bet you $25 you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging over your head right there."
The butcher thinks for a moment and says, "I'm sorry, I won't take that bet."
The guy says, "But I thought you said you were a gambling man."
"I am. But the steaks are too high."
A friend of mine loves to play Roulette, so I decided to introduce him to Russian Roulette. It blew his mind.
Why did the tiger lose at poker?
Answer: Because he was playing with a cheetah.