Gambling jokes
My life is a lot like a game of Black Jack.
I always hit on 16, then get busted.
Women are like blackjack. I’m trying for 21, but I always hit on 14.
Why are orphans bad at poker? They don't know what a full house is.
Why are orphans bad at poker?
Because they don't know what a full house is!
Girls are like blackjack; you shoot for 21, but I keep hitting 14.
Why don't rappers ever gamble?
Because they're always dropping beats, not bets.
What's the difference between a casino and a church?
You actually mean it when you pray at a casino.
What do me and a casino machine have in common? It takes about 50 pumps to get to the jackpot.
What is the state of California best for? Screwing everything up!
What is the state of Florida for? Rednecks for days!
What is the state of Texas for? Guns!
What is the state of Utah for? Mormons and Pligs baby! (I hate all of the religious stuff!)
What is the state of Idaho for? Calling other people Ho's, mostly!
What is the state of Nevada for? Ever heard of gambling?
What is the state of Delaware for? Literally anything that isn't exciting!
What is the state of New York for? In my state of mind, it's a song! (If you don't get this one, look up the song of New York State of Mind)
Why are orphans so bad at playing poker?
They don't know what a full house is.
Why doesn't anyone play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
So, a man goes to church and is dipped in water three times by a Priest as he says, "From now on your name is Michael, and you will shed your sins of gambling and alcohol."
Soon after, the man heads home and rushes to the fridge to grab a can of beer. He turns on the sink and dips the beer can in the water three times while saying, "From now on you will be known as Not Alcohol."
Why did the lion always lose at poker?
He was playing with a bunch of cheetahs.
Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.
The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.
The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"
Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.
A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.
"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.
"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.
"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.
"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."
Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:
"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"
I recently got kicked out of a casino because I apparently misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Did you know that dogs started the street craps game?
What’s Michael Jackson’s favorite poker hand?
Jacks and 5.
Why do Indians gamble so much? They are hoping to one day reclaim their land.
5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.
Why can't orphans play poker? Because they don't know what a full house is.