Flat jokes

What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A flat major.

The American salute starts with your hand facing flat towards the ground on your head.

The British salute starts with your hand against your head just like the American salute.

The French salute starts with your hands in the air.

The Saudi salute starts with you being bent over with a camel tongue in your ass.

Once upon a time, Bob was in his hospital bed, receiving medical treatment not that far after finding out he had cancer. One day, his friend Jeremy decided to visit him. Jeremy told his best buddy this very inspiring sentence: "Sometimes in life, you and your heart will climb tall peaking mountains, and low flat valleys, and all after that we'll be happy forever in heaven, eventually." Little did Bob know that Jeremy was talking about his heart monitor.

She needs a flat surface cleaner.

what do you call a flat road named after George Floyd?

Flat neck road.

What’s a hairdresser’s favorite roast? Flat iron roast.

What do you call blue and orange at the bottom of a pool?

A baby with flat armbands!

Your mum is so fat, flat earthers think she's round!

What is blue, green, flat, and has teeth?

The Earth, but I lied about the teeth.

What’s the difference between a mountain and your girl?

At least the mountain has two hills.

Her chest was so flat, I felt gay while hugging her.

Why is a wet pavement like playing music?

If you don't C sharp, you'll B flat.

Flat earthers are completely wrong. If the earth was flat, I would have yeeted myself off the edge years ago!

Whenever a woman files a rape accusation, it’s obviously fake. Even the cows at my farm are more likely, at least they aren’t flat.

You know, the earth was flat till they buried your mama.

A girl called me ugly.

So I drove over her with a car and called her flat.

Teacher: Okay class, look at the person to the right of you and describe them with one word.

Me: *looks to the right of me and sees the pick-me girl* "Penny."

Teacher: *shocked* How is she a penny?

Me: 'Cause she's two-faced, flat, and always in someone's pants. Not to mention worth practically nothing.

The COVID-19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.

They fear that social distancing measures could push people over the edge.

You don't have to worry about running while boys are around. Even I can't see anything there.

Yo momma's so skinny that even Flat Stanley gets jealous!