Fired jokes

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I refuse to believe my dad got fired as a road worker for theft. But when I came home, there were signs everywhere.

My wife asked me to get her a puppy. I agreed and went to an animal shelter. As I was searching for a puppy, a fire was set, and the entire animal shelter burned down.

A few hours later, I returned to my wife. She knew I had no puppies and asked why. I replied, "I couldn't find any." She understood but was upset, so I gave her something that I did get. She said, "Wow! This is good, what smokehouse did you get this at?"

What did one Koala say to the other?

"Help me I'm burning. Aaaugh!!! Oh fuck oh fuck I'm on fire!! AAAAaugh!"

My doctor told me that I had to burn calories, so I took a fat kid and lit them on fire

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    • "Sanderson, fire a warning shot."

    "Uhh sir, this is an M32 rotary grenade launcher."

    "Ah potato-potato, just pull the trigger."

    You work at Papa's Pizzeria, ok?

    Boss: You're fired!

    Me: Ok?

    Worker: Why are you fired?

    Me: Oh, you wanna know...

    *shows him the oven with my pizza*

    Me: I left my pizza in the oven, that bitch burnt as fuck!!

    Worker: OH SHIT!!

    Boss: Did you say pizza?

    Me: I sure did!

    *shows boss pizza in oven*

    Me: This hoe black as fuck!

    Boss: I fired you because I can't stop looking at your ass, not this why?

    Grandma told me that when she passed away she wants to be a tree, and so she could live forever.

    But I'm not gonna lie, it was a nice toasty fire...

    A missionary was caught by cannibals. He was tied up and thrown into a big pot. The cannibals were chopping up vegetables and throwing them into the pot with the missionary. When they lit the fire under the pot, the missionary said, "You can't stew me. I'm a friar."