Family jokes

Do you know the phrase, "One man's trash is another man's treasure?" Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.

Why are orphans gay? Because they can’t come out to anyone.

Yo' mama is so fat, her cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard.

One day a son and his grandad were smoking.

Too bad only the sun was smoking. :)

What do you call a child with no family?

Names.

Why does an orphan like home base? Because he doesn't have one.

Yo mama is so hairy, when you were born, you got carpet burns!

I will tell you a story. There was a fruit named Pear who was named Dyck. He one day met his friend Carrot, who was later killed after being stuck into some girl's vagina.

Pear then became very sadistic and no one loved him, and he became mentally fruit-pressed. One day he met a Banana named Harvey Weinstein, and they got married and had children who were all named Minion. Eventually, the rest of his family died, and Pear was left slowly rotting away. His last words were, "I have finally 'peared' the consequences of all my actions."

Why is an orphan so bad at baseball?

Because they can't make it to home.

What does an iPhone have that orphans do not?

Home buttons.

My son said that bully needs a pounding, then I say, "Yeah, right, that is what I said and did to your mother." My son opens his mouth and freezes. I guess he knew what I was talking about.

My grandfather never threw anything away, bless him. He died in the war holding on to a hand grenade.

Father: "Fritz, light the Christmas tree!"

My bitch as flat as her grannie's heartbeat.

I see a kid crying in the park, right? So I go up to him and say, "Hey, where are your parents?" and he says, "Well, my dad left to get the milk and never came back, and my mother died in a plane crash in the Bermuda Triangle."

Why do orphans go to church?

So they finally have someone to call father.

My grandpa said I'm too reliant on technology... so I screamed that he was a hypocrite and I unplugged his life support.

Why can't orphans have iPhones?

Because they can't find the home button.

My mom was telling me about different pastas. So many pastabilities!

What do you call an orphan taking a selfie?

A family portrait........

You might say I'm mean but what are they gonna do..... tell their parents?

Wait..........